Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!
by The Narrator
Summary: The Narrator's ever popular Kenshin Outtakes return in this sequel, including more running gags, bishonentorture, and chaos at the hands of Kanashimi! Will parody ever be the same? And will The Narrator ever abandon ecchi humor? Not bloody likely!
1. Here We Go Again!

Narrator here.  Well, as you all assuredly know, about the first thing I ever wrote on Fanfiction.net was a series of "Kenshin Outtakes" that became my most appreciated work to date.

**Kanashimi: **We don't know why, it just did.

**Narrator: **Shut up.

**Kanashimi: **Bite me. Please *~.^*

**Narrator: ***twitch* Why can't you go torture some bishies or something?  You are disturbing our reviewers.

**Kanashimi: **Okay-be!  *skips off to assault Sesshomaru or Folken or any other of those creepy-bishy types Kanashimi favors*

**Narrator: **Ahem!  Anyway, the series got such rave reviews that I decided to acquiesce to your wishes, and write up a whole new series!  It's going to start from the beginning again, so be prepared for running gags, depravity, and Saitou-torture!

**Saitou: **Just try it, woman.

**Narrator: **Hey, Kanashimi!

**Kanashimi: **What now?  *spots Saitou trying to hide behind Narrator's chair* POOKIE!!

**Saitou: (O.O) **Ack! *runs*

**Kanashimi: **Ohohohohoho! *takes off after him*

**Kaoru: **Just be glad Narrator likes us as a couple so much, Kenshin.

**Kenshin: ***nods fervently* 

Salute!


	2. Tokyo Ain't What It Used to Be

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Rurouni Kenshin, I wouldn't have to be writing this, now would I?

**Kenshin Outtakes: Take 2!**

_Tokyo__ (Arc) Ain't What It Used to Be…_

_Opening scene on a foggy dawn street in 1878 __Tokyo__:_

**Kenshin: ***walking, minding his own business*

**Kaoru: **Halt!  Stop right there, Hitokiri Battousai!

**Kenshin: ***stops and turns around, looking clueless*

**Kaoru: **I have to admit, you're weaker-looking than I thought you'd be.

**Kenshin: **Oro!

**Kaoru: **Surrender! *charges…and runs right into Kenshin* Oof!

**Kenshin: ***underneath Kaoru* You Tokyo people certainly have an interesting way of saying "good morning" de gozaru.

**Kaoru: ***on top of Kenshin*Kenshin no baka, you're supposed to jump out of the way!

**Kenshin: **But you said surrender, so sessha did.  Besides, sessha doesn't mind how it turned out.

**Kaoru: **Well, neither do I, but still…

**Director: **Cut!  And Himura, stop copping a feel!

**Sano: ** *offstage* Yeah, that's what the dressing rooms are for!

_The bathtub scene.__  Because I like it._

**Kenshin: ***runs into the bathroom* Stop! Don't be so hasty!  Suicide's not…!

_There is no one in the room, just a tub full of steaming water._

**Kenshin: **Oro?  Kaoru-dono? *walks toward the tub* Has anyone seen Kao-

**Kaoru: ***jumps up from the water in a smashing impression of "Jaws," grabs Kenshin, and drags him back under the water*

**Sano: ***offstage, as water boils like a frenetic Jacuzzi* Let's not imagine what's going on in there.

**Soujiro: ***bloody nose* Too late…

**Director: **Cut!  Augh, I'm surrounded by hormonal idiots!

**Yumi: **You say that like it's a bad thing…

_Scene where Kenshin saves Kaoru from Gohei, Thugs, and Co._

**Kenshin: **Stand back!  I don't want to have to hurt anyone!

**Thug #1:** Don't worry, there's only going to be one casualty!

**Thug #2: **And that's yours!

_Thugs bum rush Kenshin, who promptly whips out his…_

**Kaoru: **Wiffle bat?

**Kenshin: (**O.Ox) Oro!  *promptly gets plowed by five guys at least half again his size*

**Thugs: **Oops.

**Kenshin: @_@x**

**Gohei****: **Yep, only one casualty.  Heh heh heh…

**Director: **Cut!  Okay, where the hell is Saitou?

_Scene where Kenshin decides to stay with Kaoru (*^_^*)_

**Kenshin: **I am a little tired of wandering.  But, I'm not a very good cook.

**Kaoru: **You're better then I am!

_They start walking towards each other_

**Kenshin: **And I might accidentally peek into the bath every once and a while.

**Kaoru: **That's okay; if you do, I'll just… *throws a vicious right hook at Kenshin's face*

**Kenshin: ***ducks*

**Kaoru: **Mou!  Kenshin, you're supposed to let me hit you!

**Kenshin: **First you get mad at me for letting you hit me and now you're mad at me for not letting you hit me!  Why don't you make up your mind and stop confusing poor sessha de gozaru ka?!

**Kaoru: ***eye twitch*

**Kaoru's fist: **_BAM!!_

**Kenshin: ***flat out and swirly-eyed* Orooo…Kaoru-dono wa zankoku de gozaru na!  (You're cruel, Kaoru-dono!)

**Kaoru: **Stop acting like a twit, then!

**Director: **Cut!  Ummm, keep that…we'll just edit it…

_Scene where Gohei's trying to shoot Kenshin (the second time…you'd think the idiot would learn)_

**Gohei****: **There's no way you can hit me from where you're standing!

**Kenshin: ***yeah-right glare* Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu, Do Ryu Se-_achoo__!_

_The attack fires off and there is the sound of a very expensive camera shattering into millions of very tiny pieces_

**Kenshin: **Oh, shit!  I mean…oro!

**Director: **Cut!  Himura!  That's coming out of your pay check!

**Kenshin: **(-_-x) Damn…

**Saitou: **And _that's_ why he shouldn't be trusted with anything more lethal than a wiffle bat.

**_RK Valuable Life Lessons (Everything You Ever Need to Know)_**

1.  Never underestimate someone just because they're smaller than you.

**_Kanashimi: _**_Fear the little people._

**_Narrator:_**_ Amen, sister!_

2.  Never insult a woman's cooking if she has ready access to anything resembling a shillelagh.

3.  Bad guys have no fashion sense.

4.  If there's a sword in him, and he's smiling, it's a little too late for therapy.

5.  Smoking _is _cool, but only if you can also beat the crap out of anyone who glares at you in a restaurant.

**_Kanashimi_**_: *sighs* Saitou-sama…_

**_Narrator_**_: *rolls eyes*_

6.  Only a very secure man can wear pink.

7.  Act like an idiot, but kick ass.

8.  Constantly chewing on things such as toothpicks, fish bones, hair, etc. is not orally unhygienic.

9.  Laundry is therapeutic.

10.  So is decking your boyfriend for being an idiot.

11.  Social Darwinists are morons and should rot in hell…BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

**_Kanashimi: _**_I get the impression that this is somewhat personal…_

**_Narrator:_**_  Lenin was a Social Darwinist._

**_Kanashimi:_**_ *blink, blink* You **really** hated your history professor this semester, didn't you?_

**_Narrator:_**_ *twitch*_

12.  People who smile all the time are either psychotic or on something…either way, approach with caution.

**_Narrator: _**_*looks at Kanashimi*_

**_Kanashimi:_**_ What?_

13.  Homicidal maniacs and insecure women should not be allowed to drink, unless _you_ want to be on the clean up crew.

**_Kanashimi: _**_*looks at Narrator*_

**_Narrator:_**_ What?  Hey, that was **one **time!_

14.  It's not the size of the sword in the fight that matters, it's how you use it.

**_Narrator: _**_Try not to be hentai._

**_Kanashimi:_**_ I don't have to; I'm sure your readers are all thinking the same thing._

**_Narrator:_**_ Not everyone is as depraved as you._

**_Kanashimi: _**_Just keep telling yourself that…_

15.  If you're cool enough, gravity does not apply to you.

16.  If his eyes change colors, run.

17.  It takes a real moron to kill his pookie just to win a fight.

18.  Spontaneous human combustion is physically possible.

**_Narrator: _**_Throw another Social Darwinist on the barby!_

**_Kanashimi:_**_ Are you going to let go of that anytime soon?_

**_Narrator:_**_ No._

**_Kanashimi: _**_Didn't think so._

19.  Green lipstick only enhances desirability.

20.  Trench coats are sexy.

21.  If you love her, don't tell her; there's no such thing as too much sexual tension.

**_Kanashimi: _**_On the other hand, there's no such thing as too much…_

**_Narrator:_**_ *swiftly claps a hand over her mouth* Hentai!_

**_Kanashimi:_**_ Ooo ay aht ike hits a ah ding! (**translation****: **You say that like it's a bad thing!)_

22.  Machine guns are no match for an expertly-wielded sword.

23.  People who know you really well will always bring up embarrassing stories at the most inopportune moments.

**_Kanashimi: _**_Like that time when you were two and got drunk._

**_Narrator:_**_ I can't help it if the guy left his wineglass where I could get it._

**_Kanashimi:_**_ And you go on and on about no under-age drinking.  What a hypocrite!_

**_Narrator:_**_ Bite me._

**_Kanashimi:_**_ Promise?_

**_Narrator:_**_ *twitch*_

24.  Layest thou the smackdown first, and then thou mayest talk smack.

**_Kanashimi: _**_I was always a fan of preemptive strikes, anyway._

**_Narrator: _**_I think it's a guy thing._

**_Kanashimi:_**_ What is?_

**_Narrator:_**_ Talking smack before you actually kick someone's butt._

**_Kanashimi:_**_ Mmm-hm!_

25.  When in doubt, "Oro!"


	3. Help!

Narrator here.  Judging from the number of reviews I have already received, it is _obvious_ that my writing is appreciated! *stares pointedly at Kanashimi*

**Kanashimi****: **Hmmm?

**Narrator: ***sigh* Never mind.  To answer of couple of your questions, yes, Kanashimi is my _younger_ sister…

**Kanashimi****: **Although most people assume I'm older, because I'm more mature in social settings, unlike someone who wears pigtails and jumps up and down like a hyper two-year-old in front of a bunch of company grade officers.

**Narrator: ***defensively puts hands on her pigtails* You would too if you actually managed to hit the target in darts.

**Kanashimi****: **You're not Misao, get over it!

**Narrator: ***sniffle* You're mean!  *pouts* Anyway, another question that pops up is, "What are a wiffle bat and/or shillelagh?"  Kanashimi will now demonstrate.

**Kanashimi****: **Thank you.  *pulls a really fakey-looking plastic bat from Voidspace* This is a wiffle bat.  Normally, it is used to hit wiffle balls, but when used on an unsuspecting victim…

**Wiffle**** bat hitting Narrator's forehead at about Mach 1: _KA-TUNK!!_**

**Narrator: **Hm?

**Kanashimi****: **(-_-) If the victim has a remarkably thick head, you upgrade to the shillelagh.  *discards dented wiffle bat and pulls a particularly knobby, thick oaken stick from Voidspace* A shillelagh (pronounced _SHILL-LAY-_LEE) is pretty much defined as an "Irish thwacking stick."  When used on an unsuspecting victim…

**Narrator: **Don't…even…_think_…about…it…

**Disclaimer: **Please, please, please, can't I just claim Kenshin for a day?  An hour?  A minute, even?!

            **Watsuki-sama****: **No.

You're mean!  WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! *runs away, sobbing like a kindergartner*

            **Kanashimi****: **Can you see why people think I'm the older sister?

**Kenshin**** Outtakes, Take 2!**

Take #2: Help!

_Kenshin__ vs. Zanza (Kamiya Dojo):_

**Zanza****: **Before we begin, I should introduce you to my partner (rips the cover off of his really big sword).  This is the zanbattou!  My nickname, Zanza…

**Kaoru and Yahiko: ***snicker*

**Zanza****: **What now?

**Yahiko****: **Oh same old, same old. *snort*

**Kaoru: **Let's just say it's a good thing Kenshin winds up destroying that thing *tee hee* or people might wonder.

**Zanza****: ***irked* Look, would you knock it off with the compensation jokes already?!  I'll have you know that…

**Kenshin****: **TMI de gozaru yo!

**Director: **Cut!  Zanza, declarations about your manhood can wait till after the take!

**Zanza****: **But I…!

**Director: **Zip it!

**Zanza****: **But they…!

**Director: **Talk to the megaphone 'cuz the ears ain't listening!

_Kenshin__ vs. Zanza (Round Three: the River):_

**Zanza****: ***standing only by the grace of his broken zanbattou and his stubbornness* Get back here!  I'm never going to lose to an Imperialist!  The fight's not over!

**Kenshin****: **What are you going to do, bleed on me?

**Zanza****: **_I'm invincible!_

**Kenshin****: **You're a baka de gozaru.

**Zanza****: **Zanza _always _triumphs!  Bring it, girlie-man!

**Kenshin****: ***punches Zanza dead in the face*

**Zanza****: **Ha!  You punch like a girl, ya femmy-boy!

**Kenshin****: ***eye-twitch*

**Director: **Cut!  Kenshin, put the wiffle bat down!  

**Kenshin****: **But…

**Director: **Don't start that again!

**_Kanashimi_****_: _**_Oh, Monty Python; reeeeeeeaaally original.___

**_Narrator: _**_I thought it was funny._

**_Kanashimi_****_: _**_You're probably the only one who does._

_Scene where Jin-eh kidnaps Kaoru:_

**Kaoru: **So, it's a promise Kenshin?

**Kenshin****: **^_^x

**Kaoru: **Okay, so…

_Long awkward pause_

**Kenshin****: **Ah…

_They both look expectantly up the river. The boat Jin-eh is supposed to be in floats by, without him in it._

**Kenshin**** and Kaoru: **o_O

**Director: **Cut!  Where's Jin-eh?!

**Jin-eh: ***suddenly runs out onto the set, streaming with water* Why do I have to _stand _in the boat?!  Only a great humongous idiot would do something like that!  The stupid thing won't hold still and now I've got carp swimming in my…

**Director: **Jin-eh, for the last time, you're supposed to be a homicidal maniac who _likes_ stupidly overdramatic entrances.  Now get in the friggin' boat!

**Jin-eh: ***sniffs* Well, fine, if you're going to be like that… *flounces off*

_Scene from above, take two:_

**Kaoru: **So, it's a promise Kenshin?

**Kenshin****: **^_^x

**Kaoru: ***braces for the snatch* Okay…

**Jin-eh: ***really fake Italian accent* Did-a somebody call for-a gondola?

_Jin-eh is merrily poling a full-fledged gondola, in complete gondolier's costume.  He graciously extends his hand to help Kaoru into the boat._

**Kaoru: ***sweatdrop*

**Director: **Cut!

**Jin-eh: ***pouts* You're just jealous of my creativity!

**Director: **Jin-eh…

**Jin-eh: **Can I keep the hat?  My other one is _so _last Tuesday.

**RK Cast: ***blink, blink*

_Scene where Sano and Yahiko are reading Kenshin's letter about Jin-eh:_

**Kenshin****: ***voice-over* Jin-eh has appointed the place and time of the duel.  If I am unable to rescue Kaoru-dono, I ask that you go to the police…

**Sano: ***reading aloud* "…and then…" ano…what's this about "garters Kaoru-dono's safety?"

**Yahiko****: "**Garters?" (O-O)

**Sano: **Kenshin, your hand-writing sucks!

**Kenshin****: ***off-stage* Shut up!  Sessha can't help it if you're just illiterate!

**Sano: **You're the one who writes like a drunken five-year-old.

**Kenshin****: **Do not de gozaru!

**Sano: **Do too!

**Kenshin****: **NOT DEGOZARU YO!

**Sano: **TOO!

**Director: **CUUUUUUUTTTT!!!  If you two are going to be this childish, Kenshin will just do the entire voice-over.

**Sano: ***snort* Yeah, if he can read his own damned hand-writing.

**Kenshin****: **Thhhhhppppbbbttt!

_Scene where Kaoru's just stopped Kenshin from killing Jin-eh:_

**Jin-eh: **I can't believe my Shin-no-Ippou was defeated by a girl like _her!_

**Kaoru: **Wait just a cotton-pickin' frickin' minute!  You got a problem with women in general being strong or just me in particular?!

**Jin-eh: **Uhhhhh…

**Kenshin****: ***frantic hand-waving and throat-cutting gestures*

**Jin-eh: **…yes?

**Kaoru: **I see…

_Scene of Kaoru viciously beating the crap out of Jin-eh in righteous feminine indignation has been deleted.  The Narrator asks instead that her readers think about cute fluffy puppies playing in a beautiful sunlit meadow, and not about Jin-eh screaming for mercy like a little girl._

**Kaoru:** *cracks her knuckles* Ah, so therapeutic! I guess that's one chauvinist pig who's had a change of heart, neh Kenshin?

**Kenshin****: **(O_Ox) Hai, Kaoru-dono!!

**Director: **Cut!  Erm…someone go untangle Jin-eh from that tree…*mutters* and see about getting Kaoru some Midol…

**Kaoru: **Sorry, I didn't catch that, Director-_san._

**Director: **Eep! 

**_Yet Another RK Top Ten List_**

**Top ****Ten Ways**** to Annoy Saitou**

1.  Ask him how much hair gel he uses a day.

2.  Start calling his katana all sorts of fun names, such as "Fluffy," "Ed," "The Sharp Pointy Thing," etc.

3.  Cut off his bangs while he's sleeping.

4.  Pat him on the head and say, "That's a _good _Wolf of Mibu, good boy!" every time he causes grievous bodily injury to and/or slays a bad guy.

5.  Slip truth serum into his soba and ask him all those embarrassing personal questions you can blackmail him for life with; have a tape recorder handy.

6.  Make him play a drinking game with Misao.

7.  Replace his all cigarettes with those yummy gum ones; just don't be in the general vicinity when he finds them.

8.  Dye his gloves pink.

9.  Grab his matches and run away with them, screaming about preventing forest fires.

10.  Give his home address to Kanashimi.

**Narrator: **Heh heh heh…

**Kanashimi****: **If you so much as _touch_ Saitou-sama, you're going to be very sorry.

**Narrator: ***pft!* _I'm _the authoress here, honey-child, so I can do whatever the…what are you doing?

**Kanashimi****: ***innocently hides roll of duct tape and a can of shaving cream behind her back* Hm?

**Narrator: ***makes a solemn vow never to fall asleep again for the rest of her life* Well, hope ya'll had fun with this installment…see you next chapter…

**Kanashimi****: ***starts playing with a lighter*

**Narrator: **…hopefully…

Salute!


	4. Fire Extinguishers and Cement?

Narrator here.  Eeeeee, I have so my reviews!  I love you all!!  *blows kisses*

**Kanashimi: **K-tuh!  Who cares about reviews, I want my pookie.

**Narrator: **Patience, Grasshopper.  All come to be in due time.

**Kanashimi: **Frick due time, I'm goin' after him now!  *phases into RK universe*

**Narrator: ***sigh*

**Disclaimer:**  I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.  Matter of fact, I don't own a lot of things…

            **Kanashimi: **Which didn't stop her from using them in this fic.

            **Narrator: **What did you expect, dah-ling!

**Kenshin Outtakes, Takes 2!**

Take #3: Fire Extinguishers and Cement?

_Scene where Kenshin saves Megumi from Beshimi's darts:_

**Beshimi: **And these spiral darts will blast out your legs; it will double as punishment! *fires off darts*

**Kenshin: ***jumps in front of Megumi and smacks down on the tatami mat*

**Tatami Mat Hitting Kenshin in the Face: _Ker-WHACK!!_**

**Kenshin: **Oro!

**Beshimi: ***snort*Smooth move, girly man.

**Kenshin: **At least sessha stopped your darts, you shrike-voiced little twit!

**Sano: **"Shrike-voiced little twit"?

**Kenshin: **It's what he is de gozaru yo!

**RK Cast: **Oooookaaaay…

**Director: **Cut!

_Scene from above, take two:_

**Beshimi: **And these spiral darts will blast out your legs; it will double as punishment! *fires off darts*

**Kenshin: ***jumps in front of Megumi and smacks down on the tatami mat*

**Tatami Mat:** *hops up about two inches*

**Darts: ***hit Kenshin in the shoulders…_really _hard*

**Kenshin: **Owie!  @_@x

**Megumi: **Oh my God, Ken-san, are you all right?!

**Sano: **Do something, Fox Lady!

**Megumi: **Maybe if you did something useful, like get the First Aid kit, Rooster Head!

**Kaoru: ***bokken out, advances on Beshimi with murderous intent*

**Beshimi: **Holy crap, chill Kaoru!  They're just rubber-tipped darts!

**Kaoru: ***definitely not listening* My name is Kamiya Kaoru.  You injured my pookie.  Prepare to die.

**Beshimi: **O.O *run awaaaaaay!!*

**Director: ***bemusedly watching Beshimi being chased by a homicidal Kaoru* Hm?  Oh, right, cut!

**_Kanashimi: _**_Oh, great; now you're corrupting 'Princess Bride.'_

**_Narrator: _**_*not listening* Heh heh, Wesley…*drools*_

**_Kanashimi: _**_*sigh* *thwacks Narrator with the shillelagh*_

**_Narrator: _**_Itai!_

_Scene where Sano starts the fight with Hyottoko:_

**Sano: ***punches Hyottoko in the gut* Even if you are proud of your power, it's useless if you can't hit me!

**Hyottoko: ***laughs, grabs Sano and douses him with his fire breath*

**Sano: **AAAARRRRGH!

**Yahiko: **Sanosuke!

**Sano: ***escapes Hyottoko's grasp* That was close, you loser.

**Hyottoko: **Um, maybe a little too close…

**Sano: **Huh?

**Kenshin: **Sano, don't panic, but…

**Kaoru: **…your head's on fire.

**Sano: **O_O *panics* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT PUTITOOOOOOUT!!!

**Yahiko: ***helpfully*Stop, drop, and roll!

**Sano: ***a _leetle_ to busy panicking*

**Megumi: **Step aside and let a professional handle this!  *sprays Sano with a fire extinguisher*

**Sano: **Aaaaaaahhhh, cold!

**Megumi: **Better than the alternative! How much hair gel _do _you use, anyway?

**Sano: **Ummm…

**Director: **Cut!  And Sanosuke, you are down to on tub of gel a day until further notice!

**Sano: **NOOOOOOOOOooooooo! *curls up into a little ball*

_Scene where Kenshin uses his sakabatou as a shield against Hyottoko's fire breath:_

**Hyottoko: ***as the fire finally runs out* Impossible!  All of the oil?!

**Kenshin: **Now it is time for to stop playing with…Hey, ow!  Wow, my sakabatou's really hot!

**Sano: **Gee Kenshin, why do you think that is?

**Yahiko: **It could be because, oh, I dunno, you had in fire for what, the last minute and a half?

**Kenshin: ***sigh* Okay, yeah, that was…

**Kaoru: **I dunno Yahiko; what do you think, Megumi?

**Megumi: **Dang, Kaoru, why do always have to ask the hard questions?

**Kenshin: **Yeah, guys, I got it…

**Sano: **Ooo, ooo, I know!  It was the friction with the air!

**Hyottoko: **I do not believe that conjecture would be supported by the accepted laws of aerodynamics.  Perhaps…

**Kenshin: ***gone Battousai* GUYS!!  _Yeesh_, okay, I got it!  That was kind of dumb thing to say…

**Sano: **I don't know about dumb…

**Megumi: **Really obvious maybe…

**Kenshin: **-_-x

**Director:** Cut!

_Scene where Hannya reports to Aoshi about Kenshin:_

**Aoshi: **All right, find out who that swordsman is.  Inform me as soon as you do.

**Hannya: **Yes, immediately.  *starts doing his spiffy phase-out thing, only…*

**Wires: **_Snap!_

**Hannya: **Ah, crap… *falls to the ground, head first* Itai!  @_@

**Aoshi: ***runs to the window* Hannya!  Man, you okay?

**Yahiko: ***offstage* He just fell on his head from a two-story window.  I think he _might_ be having a little bit of trouble.

**Saitou: **Looks like Battousai has a challenger for the title of "Captain Obvious."  Yare, yare.

**Kenshin + Aoshi: **Shut up, asshole!

**Director: **Cut!  Medic!

_Scene where the Kenshin-gumi face Kanryu's gun squad (Kanashimi thwacks Narrator for the bad pun):_

**Kenshin: ***runs right through them*

**Squad Captain: **He didn't even flinch, he ran faster!  Now, fire!

**Sano: **Jump, Yahiko!

**Yahiko: ***jumps*

**Sano: ***catches him* Go do some good!  *winds up to chuck Yahiko at the gun squad, only…*

_Sano trips and both fall on their faces._

**Yahiko: **Itai!  What did you do that for, ya big oaf!

**Sano: **You're friggin' heavy!  What'd you eat for breakfast, cement?!

**Yahiko: **Oh yeah, blame your weaknesses on the little kid, jerk!

**Sano: **Bowling-ball butt!

**Yahiko: **Why you…!

**Director: **Cut!  Both of you, time-out, now!

**Sano + Yahiko:** Awww…

_Scene where Aoshi locks Megumi in the observatory:_

**Aoshi: **What awaits you is not rescue, but death from Kanryu's tortures.  *tosses Megumi's dagger down at her feet* Here is your dagger.  Living in pain, or dying in peace.  You choose.

**Megumi: **I…

**Aoshi: **Huh?

**Megumi: **I choose you…PIKACHU! *throws a poke ball and a glorified yellow rat launches itself at Aoshi*

**Pikachu (aka Glorified Yellow Rat):** _CCHHUUUUUUU!_

**Aoshi: **o_O

**Kanashimi: ***phases into existence right in front of him, shillelagh in hand* My cousin'd kill me if I let this happen! *thwacks Pikachu into the stratosphere*

**Pikachu: **_PIIIIIIKAAAAAAAaaaaaa…!_

**Kanashimi: **Now if you'll excuse me, I must have some choice words with my onee-sama… *phases out*

**Megumi + Aoshi: ***blink, blink*

**Director: **Um, cut?

**_Narrator: _**_*running away from Kanashimi* Aw, come on, that was funny!_

**_Kanashimi: _**_I'll give you **funny!**_

**_Narrator: _**_I don't own "Pokemon"!  Ahahahahahaha!_

**_Kanashimi: _**_*sweatdrop*_

_Kenshin vs. Hannya:_

**Hannya: **For our pride, Battousai, I will make sure to defeat you! *whips out metal claws*

**Yahiko: **Metal claws?!

**Sano: **Dang, he's a Wolverine-wannabe!

**Kenshin: ***sweatdrop* Sano…

**Kaoru: **Of course, Hugh Jackman's ever so much hotter.

**Kenshin: **Kaoru-dono?!

**Kaoru: **What?

**Hannya: **Hellooo, can we get back to me now?

**Yahiko: **Mystique was cooler than Wolverine though.

**RK Guys: **Yeah… *drool*

**Director: **Cut!  Stop it before the Marvel Comics people sic their lawyers on us!

**_Kanashimi: _**_Will you knock it off already!?_

**_Narrator: _**_Tell me you didn't see Hannya's claws and think Wolverine._

**_Kanashimi: _**_Okay, okay…just so **we **don't get sued, we don't own X-Men!_

**_Narrator: _**_Too bad…_

_Scene where everyone is trying to run away from Kanryu's Gatling gun:_

**Kenshin: ***sprints away, Yahiko in tow…and not too thrilled about it*

**Kanryu: ***firing, laughing like a maniac* Isn't it amazing!  It can fire 200 bullets a minute!

**Sano: ***running all out, Kaoru tucked under his arm* That bastard!  He's…  *trips*

**Sano + Kaoru Hitting the Floor: _*BAM!* _**_ITAI!!_

**Sano: **Damn Jou-chan, what'd you eat for breakf…

**Kaoru: **Say one more word, Rooster Head, and die.

**Sano: **Gulp!

**Hannya: **It really wouldn't be smart to say anything…

**Yahiko: **…especially considering how vulnerable he is in that position.

**RK Guys: ***wince*

**Director: **Cut!  Um, Kaoru, I think he's got the point.

                            **_RK Extra: You Can Never Have Too Many Top 10 Lists!_**

**Kanahsimi****: **Translation: Narrator's in a rut.

**Narrator: **Oh shut up.

**Top ****Ten Ways**** to Have Fun With Aoshi (**provided Misao is not in the general vicinity to maim you):

1.  Ask him why everyone seems to have a bigger sword than him. (*~.^*)

2.  Say, "I can't give you the flower _'Strongest'_ but I do have some really pretty daffodils."

3.  Dissolve caffeine pills in his tea.  Have a video camera and a mop handy.

4.  Sing "We are The Champions" (by Queen) over and over during his fight scenes.

5.  Always address him as "Commander-Too-Sexy-In-A-Suit"

6.  Ask him how many times he's seen "The Matrix" and if he's a little confused as to Neo's outfits.

7.  Hand him some Prozac and say, "Trust me honey-child, you'll feel a lot better in the morning."

8.  Screw up his order at Starbucks and blame it on his inability to give clear and direct orders.

9.  Ramble on and on about how awesome and kick-ass Battousai is; 5 extra points if you can get his eye to twitch.

10.  Put that video you have of him singing "I'm too sexy for my trench coat!" up for auction on eBay.  Which the Narrator also does not own.

**Kanashimi: **You have reached rock bottom and started to dig.

**Narrator: **Meanie.  Go chase Saitou or something.

**Kanashimi: **Caught him.

**Narrator: **Huh?

**Kanashimi: ***whistles* Come on Pookie, come on!  *claps her hands*

**Saitou: ***appears in The Narrator's Authorspace in a poof of black smoke* Nani?!

**Kanashimi: **Good boy!  I love being omnipotent.

**Saitou: **_WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE!?!_

**Kanashimi: **That's for me to know and you to find out.  *glomp!*

**Saitou: **HEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPP! *runs, Kanashimi still attached to him*

**Narrator: ***shudder* That's just disturbing…

Salute!


	5. Things NOT to Say under Pressure

Narrator here.  I have been remiss in not thanking you all personally for your wonderful reviews, so I will now take this opportunity to extend my heartfelt appreciation for your enthusiasm and admiration that have given me the inspiration to continue on in this endeavor.

**Kanashimi: **You guys feed her ego.  She likes that.  She wants you to keep doing it.

**Narrator: ***pointedly ignores her imouto-chan* To **Ibrium Iridum** (keep up the excellent work in "Dancing Plums and Eighth Grade Literature"; unfortunately, I must now forcibly recapture Kenshin…*reaches into a plot hole and yanks Kenshin out of Ibrium's closet*

**Kenshin: ***slightly ruffled from confinement* Ano, Narrator-dono, don't you think Imbri-dono will be mad at you de gozaru ka?

**Narrator:** Nah, I'm trading you for Aoshi and one of Kanashimi's Bishonen Subjugator Collars.

**Aoshi:** …)

Thank you also to PSYCHO monkee_, _Kenta, Cat H, (don't worry you two, I plan to run with the "Top Ten Lists" for now; Soujiro, Hiko, and yes, even Kenshin, are scheduled to be victims…er…subjects…

            **Kenshin, Hiko + Soujiro: **-_-)

**CM Forde-chan** (If you dare to cut Kenshin's hair again, I _will_ torture you with my rendition of "Sobakasu"!), Yamikitsune, Jenna, VenusDeOmnipotent, **Meow the chibi-neko **(Hey, I didn't say Kaoru saw "Jaws," I only said it was reminiscent of a certain aquatic terror that…

**Kanashimi: ***shoves Narrator away from Bob's keyboard* Sesshy-poo's address?!?!? Gimme, gimme, gimme!  I want to play with his tail!

**Narrator:** *face mashed into the carpet* Hut ahhoooww Aii-oh? (Translation: What about Saitou?)

**Kanashimi:** Oh, he understands me, don't you, Pookie?

**Saitou:** *currently attempting to break free of the duct tape strapping him to an armchair* Yes, unfortunately.

**Kanashimi:** *^.^*  See, what did I tell you?

**Narrator:** *manages to push Kanashimi off of Bob* Fine, whatever.)

Neko Hi, tesuka-chan, **Jason M. Lee, **(you _might _want to refrain from remarks on feminine condition, unless you are certain Kaoru is not standing right behind you!), megafan505, yooso, Moley, YK, **Cherry**-chan (I am so glad that you are enjoying the outtakes; do not worry, your pookie remains yours…), and **Istoria**(Yeah, I want a bumper sticker like that now, too!)!!!

I love you all, so I'm going to keep going with this at 120%!  The fans must have their laughs, or I will have no purpose!  And having no purpose is bad, unless your purpose is to make children cry or pull kittens' tails, which is just mean, and so you should just stop and all mean people should not be given cookies because cookies are good, especially chocolate chip, although I also like sugar cookies…!!!!!

**Kanashimi: ***twitch*

**Kanashimi's shillelagh hitting Narrator smartly on the head: _KER-WHAMM!!!_**

**Narrator: **Ooooo, lookit the pretty stars!  @_@

**Kanashimi: **You are hereby banned from consuming anything with sugar or watching "Excel Saga" under the influence of caffeine.

**Narrator: ***sniff!* Oh, all right…

**Disclaimer: ***chibi-Kanashimi leads Saitou out on a leash* Well, he doesn't _really_ belong to me, just like RK or Excel Saga don't belong to my onee-sama, but we both want to have our fun before giving them back.  Hopefully, you'll have fun, too!

            **Saitou: **Shoot me.

                                                            **Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!**

Take #4: Things _Not_ to Say Under Pressure…

_Scene where Tsubame has just repaired Yahiko's sandal:_

**Tsubame: ***hands Yahiko his sandal* Good luck with your kenjutsu training!  *exits*

**Yahiko: ***looking after her with a "duh" face* Oh, crap!  I forgot to ask her for her phone number!

**Tsubame: ***from offstage* It's 555-3271!

**Yahiko: **Call ya later, sweet cakes!

**Tsubame: ***blush*

**Rest of RK Cast: **o-o

**Director: **Cut, cut, cut, cut, CUT!!! You! *points at Kenshin and Kaoru* This is all your fault!  Stop corrupting the children, already!

**Kenshin + Kaoru: **Who, us?

_Scene where Kaoru goes to save Yahiko from being beaten up:_

**Kaoru: **Yahiko!

**Kenshin: **Wait! *grabs her ponytail*

**Kaoru: ***falls flat on her back* Itai!

**Sano: ***kicks Kenshin square in the head* Jeez, Kenshin, be a little bit more careful, will ya?!

**Kenshin: **Orororo!!  S-sorry Kaoru-dono!

**Kaoru: **Not as sorry as you're gonna be…

**Kenshin: **O_Ox Eep!  *run awaaaaaaaaaaaaay!*

**Kaoru: **Kenshin, get your butt back here before I get _really_ ticked! *scary growl*

**Director: **Aaaah…cut?

_Scene where Raijuta "saves" Yutaro:_

**Yutaro****: ***watching Raijuta slashing through his kidnappers* He's strong!  His moves are so fast; this is how my father must have fought!  His moves are so fast, like lightning!  Like lightning…but, damn, his eyebrows are friggin' scary!!

**Raijuta****: ***freezes mid-kill*

**Kenshin: ***arriving on the scene* He has a point de gozaru…

**Sano: **I agree…

**Yahiko: **Yeah, have you looked in a mirror recently, or did you not notice the seaweed growing out of your forehead?

**Raijuta****: ***twitch*

**Kaoru: **Here, I have a pair of tweezers you can borrow… *starts rummaging in her purse*

**Kenshin: **Ah, Kaoru-dono, I don't think that will be much help de gozaru…

**Kaoru: **How about this then? *pulls out a home waxing kit*

**Raijuta****: O_O** Wait just a freakin' minute, lady!  I didn't ask to have eyebrows like this!  Now, put that away!

**Kaoru: **Oh come on, it doesn't hurt that much!

**Raijuta****: **Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! *and he's gone*

**Director: **Cut! *sigh* Why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Someone go find him…and not you, Kaoru!

**Kaoru: **Damn.  I just wanted to help…*sniff*

_The __hot springs__.__  Because The Narrator's gotta do what The Narrator's gotta do…_

**Kenshin: **The Shinko Ryu?!  *jumps out of the water…* Kaoru-dono!  Yutaro-dono is involved in a dangerous situation de…go…*has realized he is naked at this point* zaru…

**Kaoru: **Honestly Kenshin, this is why Director-san yells at us!  There's time for that later!

**Kenshin: **Ah ha ha ha…heh heh… *blush*

**Sano: ***stands up too* Oi, Jou-chan!  You're supposed to be yelling at…him…*has just realized he is also naked*…now…

**Megumi: **Sano…sit!

**Sano: **Sorry, mistress!  *drops like one-ton weight*

**Megumi: ***^_^* Good Tori-atama.

**Director: ***twitch*

_Raijuta's__ speech:_

**Raijuta****: **…blah blah blah blah blah blah…Under me, those who have polished their skills, pushed their killing swords to the limit, and purified their souls…The strongest, the Shinko Ryu, will create an independent nation!

…

…

…

**Director: **Ano, Kenshin?  That's your cue.  Kenshin?

**Kenshin: ***curled up in a little ball, snoring cutely* Zzzzzz… *snot bubble* Zzzzzzz…

**Raijuta****: ***twitch*

**Director:** KENSHIN, WAKE UP!!!!

**Kenshin: ***pop!* Oro?  Oh right… *stands up* That's stupid.

**RK Cast + Crew:** *anime fall down*

**Director: ***sigh* At least he knew his line, unlike most people.  Cut!

_Scene where Yutaro falls off the cliff:_

**Kenshin: **Yutaro-dono!

**Raijuta****: **Kill him!

**Kenshin: ***goes Battousai and proceeds to kick much butt*

**Yutaro****: ***in the water, drowning*

**Battousai: **Yutaro! *jumps off the cliff* **_CANNON BALL DEPTH CHAAAAAARGE!!!!_**

**Water: _KA-BLOOSH!!_**

**Saitou: ***offstage* I didn't know Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu had a water attack.

**Hiko: **It doesn't.  He's just being an idiot again.

**Saitou: **But of course.

**Battousai: ***dragging Yutaro to the surface* I heard that!****

**Director: **Cut!Battousai!  You're only supposed to be in the fight scene!

**Battousai: **Aaaaaaaawww…*pouts*

                                    **_RK Extra: Bring in the Next Victim…er, Subject!_**

**Kanashimi: **Proof that Narrator, despite her goody-two-shoes exterior, is as much a hedonist as I am.

**Narrator: **Thhhhhhppppppbbbbbbtttt!!

**Top ****Ten Ways**** to Torture a Tenken **(not recommended, but still funny):

1.  Switch all his coffee grounds to decaf.

2.  Yell "Your shoe lace is untied!" in the middle of one of his battles.

3.  Nail him with one of those projectile straight jackets Marvin the Martian is so fond of.

4.  In the middle of a conversation, burst out with, "Wait a minute!  Are you supposed to be a guy?!"

5.  Talk…very…slowly…in…a…monotone…voice…

6.  Slip sedatives into his tea.  Have markers and a camera handy.  Run very fast if he wakes up.

7.  Ask him if his face cramps from smiling so much.

8.  "Pants" him.  Run very fast.

9.  Steal all of his clothes, leaving him only with a T-shirt that says, "I smile because I have no idea what's going on."

10.  Blackmail him with those pictures you took of him sleeping with his stuffed rabbit, "Bun-bun-chan."

**Kanashimi: **And puerile humor hits a new low.

**Narrator: **Not necessarily.

**Kanashimi: **Oh, my mistake; pulling down a guy's pants and then running away is the height of scintillating wit that the likes of Swift and Shakespeare could only hope to aspire to.

**Narrator: **No need to be sarcastic.

**Kanashimi: **Hm?  I was going more for caustic.

**Narrator: **-_-

**Soujiro: **Narrator-san, you really wouldn't try to do all that, would you? *scary grin*

**Narrator: **Oh, Sou-kun!  Didn't see you there, heh heh!  Ermm… *aside to Kanashimi* Help!

**Kanashimi: **Hey, you got yourself into this mess, onee-sama; you get yourself out of it.  Pookie and I have more important things to do.

**Narrator: ***as Soujiro begins pulling out his katana* Oh Muse of Comedy, help me!!!

***_POOF!!* _**_A red-headed vision clad in a black Sailor Moon-type fuku, armed with a Marine Corps saber suddenly appears in Narrator's Authorspace in a flurry of violet rose petals and white smoke.****_

**Cherry: **In the name of Authoresses and Love, I will save you, Narrator-san!

**Narrator + Soujiro: ***sweatdrop*

**Cherry: **What?  Bob said you needed help.

**Narrator: **Bob, if I live through this, you're dead…

**Cherry: **Soujiroooooooooo! *starry eyes* I'm sorry my love, but I cannot let you slay Narrator until after the outtakes are finished!

**Narrator: **Hey, waitaminute…!

**Soujiro: **o_O

**Cherry: ***posing dramatically* Alas, my Psycho Fluffkins, it must be this way!  *pulls out a…spork* Now, please submit…

**Narrator: ***anime fall-down* WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A SWORD IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO USE IT!!!!?!?

**Cherry: **Because a spork is a lot more fun, and besides… *sniff!* I wouldn't want to hurt my dearest psychotic love-bunny, now would I?

**Narrator: **I'm gonna be sick…oh fine, just clean up whatever mess you make, okay?

**Cherry: **M'kay!

**Soujiro: ***think, think, think, think…* I should probably run away now…

**Cherry: *glomp!* **Oh, sweetie honey-pie, you wouldn't want to do that!!!

**Soujiro: **Ack!  Can't…breathe…!

**Cherry: ***still glomping the life out of him* See you all next chapter!!  *^.^*

Salute!


	6. No Need for Angst!

Narrator here.  I just wanted to say…

**Cherry: **_Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, COFFEE, COFEE…!_

**Kanashimi: **No, Pookie, I told you once before, you're not _allowed_ to do that!

**Narrator: **…that I truly appreciate all your support…

**Cherry:** *cheerleader* Give me a "J"!  Give me an "A"!  Give me a "V"…!

**Kanashimi: **…and _then_ you pull back on the…

**Narrator: **…and I am trying my gosh-darndest to make this the funniest…

**Cherry: **Gimme another "A"!  What does that spell?!  "COFFEE!!!" *jumps up and down like a hyper chipmunk on a trampoline*

**Kanashimi: **I'll bring out Mr. Whip again if you don't…

**Narrator: ***twitch*  _WILL YOU PEOPLE JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE FREAKIN' MINUTE SO I CAN START THIS THING!!!_ *eye spasm*

**Kanashimi, Cherry + Saitou: **O.O

**Narrator: **Thank you.  *deep, melodramatic breath* Well, this chapter will begin my parody of the Kyoto Arc, the most captivating and exciting episodes of the entire RK series!  If you are looking for angst, drama, and deep insights into human nature, I suggest you get offline immediately and go watch the episodes, because I sure as heck am not going to have any of that here!  But before we roll the "takes," I will take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone for reviewing so consistently.  I must apologize for the delay; I was at a family reunion and **no one** in my family has internet access!  It would not have been so bad if I had not had to leave Bob behind. *sniff!*

**Kanashimi + Cherry: ***throw boxes of Kleenex* QUIT YER BITCHIN' AND GET TYPIN'!!!

**Narrator: **I'm so unloved…

**Disclaimer: ***Cherry takes this one* Of course I would say Sano and Soujiro are mine if they were.  But we're only fangirls and this is just fanservice!  *~.^*

            **Kanashimi: **Heh heh.

            **Narrator: **She was _not _being hentai!

                                                                                    **Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!**

Take #5: No Need for Angst!

_Scene where Katsu reveals his plan to Sano:_

**Katsu: **Look at this! *throws open a closet full of explosives…_looooots _of explosives*

**Sano: **Katsu!  You…!

**Katsu: **These are bombs that I've made with my knowledge of gunpowder, learned as a member of the Sekihoutai!

**Sano: **…really need a hobby…

**Katsu: **Well, I kinda had to give up crocheting to single-handedly overthrow that government, you know. I mean, there just aren't enough hours in the day to…

**Sano: ***twitch* TMI, Katsu…

**Director: **Cut!  Kami-sama, give me strength.

_Scene from above, take two:_

**Katsu: **Look at this! *again, closet full of many explosives*

**Sano: **Katsu!  You…!

**Katsu: **These are bombs that I've made with my knowledge of gunpowder, learned as a member of the Sekihoutai!  Even if I did have to give up that lovely muffler I started on.  *sigh*

**Sano: ***slaps forehead*…_reeeeaaallly_ need to get off your knitting kick.

**Katsu: **It's crochet!  There's a difference!  *Grrrrrr!*

**Sano: **Um, yeah, difference…right…*scooting ever-so-carefully for the door…*

**Director:** Cut!  Somebody go get Katsu's craft basket from the break room, before he injures someone!

_Scene from Sano's party:_

**Megumi: **But there's something disturbing about Sano treating us.  Maybe it's money earned through evil means.  I don't want to be an accomplice of yours!

**Sano: **Oi, that's not what you were saying _last _night!  

**Megumi: ***blush*

**Director: **Cut! *slaps himself in the forehead and groans* 

**Kenshin: **Let it be on the record that it was those two *points at Sano and Megumi* and not Kaoru and sessha who were being hentai!

**Yahiko: **For once.

_Scene where Kaoru gets sloshed:_

**Kenshin: **Kaoru-dono, you shouldn't drink so recklessly de gozaru yo!

**Kaoru: **Leave me alone!

**Megumi: **She's telling you to leave her alone, so why don't you?  Now, Ken-san, how about some fried tofu?

**Kaoru: **Hiccup! *turns very very red*

**Kenshin: ***I-have-a-bad-feeling-about-this* Kaoru-dono?

**Kaoru: ***major close-up* Oi, Kenshin!!

**Kenshin: ***please-don't-hurt-me* Y-yes?!

**Kaoru: **I liiiiiike you!  You're so cute and cuddly and…and…and…*hiccup!* wonderful…

**Kenshin: **Oro?

**Kaoru: **And when we do stuff together, like…*hiccup* like…you know… (~.^)

**Kenshin: ***holy-crap-she's-really-drunk!* Ix-nay on the etails-day!

**Kaoru: **You mean like how you…

**Kenshin:** O_Ox *grabs Kaoru and kisses her to shut her up*

**RK Cast:** OoO

**Director: **That was close!  I've had about as much hentai as I can handle.  All right you two, cut!

**Kenshin + Kaoru: ***not listening*

**Yahiko: **Ano, I think we'd better call a break…

**Sano: **…and send someone for a bucket of ice water…

_Scene where Katsu uses his bombs on Kenshin:_

**Katsu:** *chucks the bombs at Kenshin* Take that, Battousai!

**Kenshin:** *slices the wicks off the bombs…or something to that effect* Now…*looks down at the bombs* Hey, these aren't bombs de gozaru yo!

**Sano: **They aren't?

**Kenshin: **They're coconuts!  You just put some yarn on a couple of coconuts and threw them at sessha!

**Katsu: ***facefault* Ano…they're _supposed_ to be bombs, you know, you just…

**Kenshin:** Where'd you get coconuts?

**Katsu:** What?

**Kenshin: ***very patiently* Where did you get the coconuts de gozaru ka?

**Katsu: **Well, I kinda just found them, but that's not the point…

**Kenshin: **Found them? In Tokyo?  The coconut's tropical de gozaru yo!

**Director: **Cut!  Kenshin, I said no more Monty Python!  You know what that means…

**Kenshin: **Nooooooo, sessha's sorry!  I won't do it again, I promise!

**Director: ***shakes head* Uh-uh, the DVD player's out of the break room, permanently.

**Kenshin: **Nooooooooo! *goes fetal* Must…have…randomness…

**Saitou:** And we don't get enough of that with Narrator writing these?

****

_Fight – Saitou vs. Sano!_

**Saitou: ** I see; the Battousai is not home.  I will just have to leave him a gift, then. *draws his hidden katana*

**Sano: **For you to have been carrying such a thing, you came here with every intention of fighting!

**Saitou: ***grins and licks his sword* Ow!

**Sano: **What's wrong?

**Saitou: **Ah thing ah uht eye uhn on eye ord… (I think I cut my tongue on my sword)

**Sano:** Sounds like a personal problem.  *snicker*

**Saitou: ***glare*

**Director: **Cut!  Someone go call the medics in here!

_Scene from above, take two:_

**Saitou: ** I see; the Battousai is not home.  I will just have to leave him a gift, then. *draws his hidden katana…only it's a wiffle bat*

**Sano: **For you to have been carrying such a thing, you came here with every intention of playing tee-ball with the kiddies!  Hahahahahahaha!

**Saitou: ***eye twitch* 

**Director: **Cut!

_Off-camera shot of Kenshin innocently hiding Saitou's katana in a handy dumpster._

_Scene where Kenshin is contemplating the reasons for Saitou's attack:_

**Kenshin: **If his target was me, why did he attack Sano?  Or does he have another objective in mind?  *stands up and charges an imaginary Saitou with his sword*

Saitou's sword skills have not decreased at all.  They are the same as when he was called the Wolf of Mibu.  With my sakabatou and my oath not to kill, will I be able to fend him off?  *glances at the wall, noticing the crack he cut in it* And will I be able to cover that up before Kaoru kills me?

**Director: **Cut!  No adlibbing!

**Salute! **


	7. For the Love of Insanity

Narrator here.  Gee, guys, I did not know that my "Top Ten Lists" were so popular.  I got at least four reviews asking me why I did not have them last time.  So sorry, but…

**Kanashimi:** She's lazy.

**Cherry:** And uninspired.

**Narrator:** -_-  You guys were not exactly helpful muses, now were you?  I have had to do all these outtakes myself, while you get to subject your bishies to whatever insane, cruel tortures your vile minds can concoct!

**Kanashimi: **And that's a problem because…?

**Cherry: **You didn't even let me go after Sano!  And you promised!!

**Narrator:** *eye twitch* Must…resist…urge…to…kill… *buries her head in a pillow and screams bloody murder*

**Cherry:** Shouldn't we do something before she asphyxiates?

**Kanashimi:** Nah, she's not that stupid…

**Narrator:** Whoo, I'm dizzy!  *faints* @_@

**Kanashimi:** *slaps her forehead* I swear to Kami-sama that there's a document out there saying I'm adopted.

**Cherry: ***poking Narrator* Does this mean _we_ have to do the outtakes?

**Kanashimi: ***evil grin* Exactly…

**Disclaimer: ***chibi-Kanashimi takes a bow* Any and all lawsuits over ownership of Rurouni Kenshin and related characters should be directed to my onee-sama *points to comatose Narrator being duct-taped to a chair by chibi-Cherry* who only be too happy to take on those meanie lawyers who say Pookie is not mine.

            **Saitou:** Please, for the love of God, Watsuki-sama, get me outta here!

            **Soujiro:** Just be patient Saitou-san.  *^_^*

            **Saitou: ***twitch*

                                                            **_Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!_**

****Take 6: For the Love of Insanity

_Scene where Saitou plots with that Imperialist politician (:P):_

**Politician: **We shall start with a toast, Mr. Fujita.  Or, shall I call you Mr. Saitou now?

**Saitou: **Call me whichever one you like.  As for the alcohol, I'd rather not.

**Politician: **Oh, I find it unusual that you have no tolerance.

**Saitou: **No, it's not that…I have a bad habit.

**Politician: ** Habit?  
**Saitou: **Yes.  When I drink, I have an urge to slay people.  So I've been holding back since the Meiji Era started. *takes a drink of tea*

**Politician: **That's reassuring.  And so, on to the real matter here…

**Saitou: **No, wait, wait, wait…the truth is, sake makes me really giddy and I laugh like a schoolgirl, *tee hee!* it's rather embarrassing…

**Politician: **Um, okay…

**Saitou: ** And then, and then…what was I saying?  Hmm, the room's spinning…

**Saitou hitting the floor unconscious: _WHUMP!!_**

**Director: **Cut!  Okay, who put the sedatives in Saitou's tea?

**RK Cast: ***look at each other and all slowly raise their hands*

**Director: **Kenshin, I know you were upset about that thing with the wiffle bat…

**Kenshin: **It wasn't sessha's idea de gozaru yo!  Kanashimi-dono made us do it!

**Kanashimi: ***in the middle of dragging her comatose pookie off the set* I don't like rat finks Kenshin…

**Kenshin: **O_Ox Eep!  *hides behind Kaoru*

_Kenshin vs. Saitou:_

**Kenshin: ***getting close to Battousai-mode* Here goes.

**Saitou: **He's gotten even faster!

**Kenshin: ***feints a strike at Saitou's chest, dodges under Saitou's sword, and tries to attack him from behind*

**Saitou: ***turns around just in time to kick Kenshin in the head and send him to the far end of the dojo* (*^.^*)

**Kenshin:** *crouches as hair falls out of the holder…we don't know why, but we suspect fan service*

**Saitou: **What was that?  That move far surpassed my expectations…

**Kenshin: ***breathing heavily* 

**Kaoru: **His breathing!  He's using more strength than he really has, and his body just can't keep up…

**Kenshin: ***looks up with golden eyes, aka, gone Battousai*

**Kaoru: **Whoo-hoo! *drool*

**Battousai: **Simmer down, honey, we'll get to that…

**Director: **Cut!  Honestly, can't the two of you knock it off for one minute?

**Kaoru: **Was that a rhetorical question?

**Director: **-_- *sigh*

_Scene from above, take two:_

**Kenshin: ***goes into Battousai mode*

**Kaoru: ***shock!*

**Battousai: ***starts pacing toward Saitou*

**Saitou: **By fighting me, you turn back into Battousai.  Then, I will attack with a true Gatotsu! No holding back!

**Yahiko: **He was holding back before?! (Yeek!)

**Kaoru: **That's it!  Both of you, stop this stupid fight right now!  Kenshin, I'm not going to let you become Battousai, because that means you're going to try to leave.

**Battousai: **Um, Kaoru…?

**Kaoru: **Sh!  Now, are you going to stop this silly fight…*reaches to the collar of her kimono* (_Insert sound effect of kimono being doffed, revealing…)_

**Battousai: **Oro!

**Saitou: ***facefault*

**Yahiko: **Ack!  Dammit busu, I'm gonna need therapy now!

**Kaoru: ***in her Tira Misu cosplay getup*…or do I have to make you stop? *cracks her whip*

**Battousai:** *trying very hard to think up an answer that won't get his butt kicked* …yes?

**Kaoru: **Oh, Battousai wants to be punished, IS THAT RIGHT?!?!  

**Battousai: O_Ox ***run awaaaaaaaaaay!!!* I promise I'll be good!  Yipe!  Kaoru - yipe!  Yipe!

**Kaoru: **OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

**Yahiko:** When Sano said Kenshin was whipped, I didn't think he meant literally…

**Sano: ***coming in, supported by Megumi* I didn't think so either.

**Cherry:** *popping out of Authorspace*  Ha ha, my other RK love muffin!  Mine!  *glomps Sano and disappears Kami-sama knows where with him*

**Yahiko + Megumi: ***sweatdrop*

**Saitou: ***as Battousai runs around the set, followed be Kaoru and her whip, and everything else just goes to chaos* So, can we just rename the series, cast me as the main character, and have me save Japan?

**Director: **Let me think about it…

**_Cherry: _**_ I thought you thought "Dominatrix Kaoru" was one of your sister's more insane offshoots._

**_Kanashimi: _**_I do.  But since she already drew a doujinshi for it, I thought we'd use the idea anyway._

**_Cherry: _**_I have a hard time figuring out which one of you is more depraved sometimes…_

**_Narrator: _**_*still unconscious and duct-taped to the chair* ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz… _

_Scene where Kenshin says goodbye to __Kyoto__ (**Kanashimi: **About the only time my onee-sama would willingly help me to kick Kenshin's ass for being an idiot…):_

**Kenshin:** *hugging Kaoru* Thank you for everything.  Sessha wa rurouni…I must return to wandering.

**Kaoru: ***begins crying*

**Kenshin:** Sayonara... 

**Kaoru:** Ken…shi-eep! *jumps out of his arms, blushing*

**Director: **Cut!  Kenshin, I _saw _that!

**Kenshin: ***innocent* Oro?

**Director:** Don't give me that, mister!  This is a very dramatic scene full of angst!  You're leaving the woman you love to go back to your past, where you might possibly die!  You don't screw it up by _goosing_ her, for God's sake!  Eargh, between your groping and Kaoru's getup, it's like we're filming a hentai series!

**Sanosuke:** *offstage* And that's bad because…? (gets thwapped by Megumi)

_Scene where Saitou meets up with Kenshin and Misao in Eiji's village:_

**Saitou: **What are you doing here?  I thought you'd be well on your way to Kyoto by now.  *notices Misao* And what's with the… *does mental math: Kaoru = Tanuki, Megumi = Kitsune, Misao = …* ita…

**Misao: ***posing "sexily" in a Michelle Pfeiffer-esque cat suit* Mrowr?

**Saitou: ***blink, blink*  Okay, just how the hell did you do that?

**Misao: **Ultimate Ninja Secret Quick Change!  I'd tell ya how it works, but I'd have to kill ya!  Nyow!

**Saitou: ***looks over at Kenshin*

**Kenshin: ***shrugs* I wasn't paying attention.

**Saitou: (-_-) **Why do I not find that hard to believe?

**Misao: ** Yoo-hoo, Aoshi-sama!  Look at me!  I'm your little love kitten!  Purrr!

**Hiko: **"Love kitten"?  Is there something you should be telling us, Aoshi?

**Aoshi: ***sweatdrop*

**Director: **Um, cut?

                                                            **_RK Extra: The Return of the Top Ten Lists_**

****

**Kanashimi: **What can I say; I'm on a Tolkien fix.  Get the last movie out, already!

**Cherry: **We should have gone with "The Top Ten Lists Strike Back"…

**Kanashimi: ***shrugs and waves an "I love you, Aragorn!" banner* Whoo-hoo!

**Top ****Ten Ways**** to Tweak a Drunken Master (aka Seijuro Hiko XIII):**

1.  Steal his saké.

2.  Use his kiln for a weenie roast; demand marshmallows for s'mores when he asks you what the hell you're doing.

3.  Empty all his saké out behind the house and replace it with water (or Kool-aid, if you're sadistic and can run very fast).

4.  Dye his cape purple and glue sequins to it; tell him it's to go with his Elton John "Yellow Brick Road" CD.

5.  Add moonshine to his saké and explain that it just did not have enough "kick."

6.  Play catch with one of his vases.

7.  Play "keep-away" with all of his vases.

8.  Pour his saké out on the flowers and say you're going to grow a "happy garden."

9.  Ask him if his hair is naturally green or if he lost a bet with his beautician.

10.  Use all of his sake as an accelerant for a huge bonfire.  When he demands an explanation, calmly answer that it is a signal flare for the British Navy to come and rescue you.

**Cherry: **Someone's seen "Pirates of the Caribbean" waaaaaaaay to many times.

**Kanashimi: **Johnny Depp is mine!  Got it?

**Cherry: **Hoo-boy.  Just so no one sues us, we don't own any part of Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings," "Star Wars," "Pirates of the Caribbean," and/or Johnny Depp.  They all belong to more privileged people.

**Kanashimi: **Oh yeah, go ahead; destroy my fantasies, why don't cha?

**Narrator: ***coming to* Oi…what's going on…?

**Cherry: **I'll let you take this one.  *phases out*

**Kanashimi:** -_-

**Narrator: ** There's a reason I'm duct-taped to this chair again, right?

**Kanashimi: ***special chibi-innocent face* Huh?


	8. Semantics?

Narrator here.  Once again, I have found myself duct-taped to my own chair. *glares at Kanashimi*

**Kanashimi: **At least this time it wasn't because you went on a homicidal rampage.

**Narrator: **So, why did you do it then?

**Kanashimi: **Ummmm…

**Soujiro: **Cherry-san said something about "lawyer bait," but I don't understand that at all.

**Narrator: **You left me as a totem sacrifice for Shonen Jump's lawyers?!?!

**Kanashimi: **Well, you were the one who practically asphyxiated herself and left Cherry and me to do the outtakes!  I think you should be grateful that you even contributed a little bit of comic relief this time around!  _You're_ the authoress for Chrissakes!  I had to take on the responsibility all by myself!  And I had to give up playing with Pookie too!  And now, these girls **Izumi** and **Alyssa** are challenging me for him!

**Saitou: **If I wasn't so sure they'd be a bad as Kanashimi, I would have gone with them…

**Kanashimi: **See, right there!  See how my neglecting Pookie let his attention wonder to other women!  You're such a jerk, Saitou!  *starts bawling*  And now…and now…WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

**Saitou: ***sweatdrop*

**Narrator: **Oh Kami-sama, I'm sorry Kanashimi!  I should have realized how much pressure you were under!  What can onee-sama do for you?

**Kanashimi: ***sniff, sniff* Can you make sure no one takes Pookie away from me?

**Narrator: **But Saitou's such an assho…

**Kanashimi: **I _knew_ you were just pretending you were a good onee-sama!  *sob!* Now your imouto-chan has to fight against _two_ people at once!  And I might lose my pookie!

**Narrator: **Okay, okay!  Calm down!  I'll think of something!  Onee-sama's not going to let anything happen to Pookie!

**Kanashimi: ***secret evil smile* Excellent…

**Saitou: **Help?

**Disclaimer: ***Cherry does her magical-smoke appearance* Heh, did you really think I would run away with all these bishies to nab? *cuddles Soujiro and Sano, who have matching black bows tied around their necks*  Too bad Narrator, Kanashimi, and I don't really own them. *sigh!*  I suppose I'll just have to wait for that petition to go through at Shonen Jump…

                                                **_Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!_**

****_Take 7: Semantics?_

_Scene where Misao is trying to catch Kenshin:_

**Misao: **You're not getting away from me! *stops short at the edge of a _reeaaalllly_ deep gully*  He jumped _this_?!  What kind of monster is he?!

**Kenshin: ***on other side* This game is over.  Sessha suggests that you give up this silly chase and forget about Aoshi de gozaru.  The reason he left you behind in Kyoto, I believe, was that he wanted to keep you safe.  It is silly to continue risking your life like this de gozaru.

**Misao:** *turns away*

**Kenshin: ** *thinking* I am sorry, Misao-dono, but it is better this way…

**Misao: ***turns suddenly* Don't talk crap like that to me!  *charges forward* I can't forget about Aoshi-sama!  He's the most important person in the world to me!  You just don't forget people like that, you baka! *jumps*

Kenshin: O_Ox *oh, shit!* 

**Misao: ** AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

**Kenshin: ***gears up to jump down after her*

**Misao: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH….! **_*WHUMP!!* _**Whoopsie…

**Kenshin: ***knocked silly by Misao plowing into him* Oroooooo…Misao-dono, you weren't supposed to make that jump de gozaru…

**Misao: **Gomen, Himura!  Guess it's these sandals Soujiro bought for me…

**Aoshi: ***offstage* Since when was that Prozac-overdosed psychotic buying you shoes?!

**Misao: **Ummmm…

**Soujiro:** It was just a gift, Aoshi-san…

**Aoshi: ***deathglare*

**Soujiro: **^_^()

**Director:** Cut! As fascinating as this allusion to alternate pairing is, can you two take it outside so we can redo this thing?

**Aoshi:** See you out back in five, Smiley-boy.

**Soujiro:** You better bring it, Mr. Wakazashi-Up-His-Butt…

_Kenshin vs. Senkaku:_

**Kenshin: ***darts behind Senkaku for like the hundredth time*

**Senkaku: **Are you afraid to fight me like a man?!  Stop running around the floor like a little cockroach-mouse!

**Kenshin: **"Cock-roach mouse"?  Isn't that rather biologically impossible?

**Senkaku: **Ummm…

**Misao: **He's got a point…ewwwww…

**Shishio: **That really was a rather stupid insult.  No wonder why I have Soujiro kill you later on.

**Soujiro: **^_^

**Senkaku: ***eep!*

**Saitou:** When you're insulting someone in a fight, you need to be a little more intellectual than that, ahou.  Stupid name-calling makes you sound like a kindergartener.  Then again, you also fight like one.

**Senkaku: **Hey!  You just shut up about my bad-mouthing or I'll…

**Saitou: **What?  Bleed on me?

**Director: **Cut!  How many times do I have to say it?! No more Monty Python!

_Kenshin vs. Soujiro, Round One:_

**Shishio: ** *riding away with Yumi*…the battou-jutsu speed of both will be equal.

**Kenshin + Soujiro: ***both suddenly draw blades and attack*

**Shishio: **And because Soujiro has no qualms against killing, his will be the better blade.

Shot of Kenshin's shocked face as a piece of his sakabatou goes twirling away…only… 

**Misao: **I didn't know you could do that with wiffle bats.

**Kenshin: ***looking at the stub of the wiffle bat still in his hand* Oroo…

**Soujiro: ***looks at his cracked-to-crap bat* What the…

**Saitou: ***snort!* Wahahahahahahahaha!!

**Kenshin: **Soujiro, I don't suppose you would mind calling a truce for five minutes de gozaru ka?

**Soujiro: ***angry Smiley-Psycho-Boy* Absolutely not. 

**Kenshin + Soujiro: ***dive at Saitou, intent on beating the crap out of him*

**Kanashimi: ***phasing in out of nowhere* I think not!  *grabs Saitou and disappears*

**Director: **Cut!  Okay, who's going after Saitou this time?

**RK cast: ***look at him blankly*

**Director: ***sigh*

_Scene where Sano first meets Anji:_

**Sano: ***having just lost his food to a mini-earthquake* What the hell was that?! *Pushes aside some bushes*

**Anji:** *sitting in the middle of a circle of mini-Jizo statues, chanting* Amidda-Buhdda no, etc., etc., etc…

**Sano: **A monk?  Is he trying to do some sort of houriki?

**Anji:** Ho! *plunges blade into the ground*

**Mini-Jizos: ***explode, sending candy flying everywhere*

**Anji: ***^_^* And that is the Futai-no-Kiwama Secret technique, Piñatas-to-Powder!

Some random children (who look suspiciously like the group Anji was taking care of before they were killed) come running out and begin gathering up the candy.

**Sano: **WTF?!

**Children: **Arigatou, Anji-san!

**Director: **Cut!  Anji, what the hell are you doing?!

**Anji: **Huh?  Oh, I didn't know we were filming yet.  Sorry.  You kids go eat that candy in the break room.

**Children:** Hai!

**Yahiko:** No fair, I wanted some!

Scene where Sano meets Captain Sagara:

**Sano: **Is this some sort of dream or vision?  Or are you a ghost?  *looks closely at Sagara*  Augh, no legs!  Ghost, ghost!! *backpedals as fast at he can on his rear*

**Sagara: **Ahahahaha!!  Man, Sano, you should see the look on your face!  It reminds me of the time Katsu scared you with that oni mask and you wet your pants!

**Sano: ***blush* Sagara-taicho!

**Sagara: **Whoo-hoo, heh heh heh...sorry, it's just....ahahahahahahaha!!!

**Yahiko:** *offstage* Guess Kenshin's not the only one who didn't get potty-trained early…

**Director: **Cut!

                                                   **_RK Extras!_**

**Narrator:** I can't believe how many people wanted a list for Kamatari.  Here it is folks!

**Top Ten Ways to Mess With a Cross-dressing Psycho:**

1.  Steal the life-sized cardboard cutout of Shishio from his closet and use it for a Halloween prop.

2.  Replace his Lancôme products with Pretty Princess Barbie makeup. *shudder*

3.  Drop hints that Shishio _loves_ blue hair.

4.  Use his Backstreet Boys CDs for coasters.

5.  Point out that Yumi is considerably more *ahem* well-endowed than he is.

6.  Vote for Soujiro in the "RK Prettiest Bishonen Contest."

7.  Use his scythe for a lawn ornament.

8.  Play Frisbee with his special, limited-edition "Rocky Horror Picture Show" DVD.

9.  Get him drunk and have him sing "1/2" for Shishio.  (although that's more Shishio-torture than anything. *^.^*)

10.  Blackmail him with pictures you took of him _without_ makeup.

**Narrator: **Good thing Kamatari's at a hot springs resort and can't be here to threaten my life.  Next victim is Sano…

**Cherry: **Noooooooooo!

**Narrator: **Ease up!  I'm letting you help Kanashimi torture Kenshin, when this is all over.  Sorry, Kenshin.

**Kenshin: **It's only fair de gozaru.

**Sano:** Easy for you to say!

**Narrator: **Anyway, this next list is just something I thought up after watching "Seisouhen" again.  Dang, that movie's depressing, but I can't really do outtakes from it.  It makes me feel squidgy.  So I settled for the next best thing:

                        **Things Not Said in "Seisouhen" that Really Needed Saying:**

**Kenshin: "**Wow, I've laid Enishi's vengeance to rest, married the woman of my dreams, and begat a son.  I think I'll abandon my wife to go off on some completely unnecessary quest for redemption, which will undoubtedly embitter my son against me for as long as I live.

            "Not!"  

**Kaoru:** "Of course I support and understand Kenshin's decision to leave.  I'm his wife. Saitou, can I borrow a pair of handcuffs?"

**Yahiko: ** "I love Kaoru.  She took me in and practically made me her little brother.  I don't know why I ever called her all those names.  She's the most beautiful woman in the world.  Okay Kaoru, _now_ can I have my diary back?!"

            **Kaoru:** Nu-uh!  Once more, Yahiko-chan, with _feeling_!

           **Yahiko: ***%#@$!

**Sano: "**Scruffy = Sexy"

**Megumi: ** *cue the fox ears* OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

**Hiko:** "I'm the only one in this damn movie who's not in desperate need of therapy.  And then they saddle me with this brat…"

            **Kenji: ** Bite me.

**Enishi:** "Who's this 'Caligula' person Narrator keeps comparing me to?  Oooo, oooo, Battousai!  Can I be the flower girl at yours and Kaoru-san's wedding?  Pretty please?!" 

**Saitou: **"Why the hell am I even in this movie if I don't get any lines?"

**Misao: **"Why the %$#@ am I not in this movie!?"

**Shishio: **"Do you all _really_ enjoy seeing me spontaneously combust that much?"

            **RK cast: ** Yes!

           **Shishio: **-_-

**Kenji:** "I need a hug."

            **Narrator: ***glomp!* Eee-hee!  If I can't have Kenshin, I'll settle for the chibi version!

            **Kenji:** *sweatdrop*  Erk…

Salute!


	9. The Meaning of Life, Etc

Narrator here.  Or maybe not.  Who really knows, in whole grand scheme of the universe, who they are, their purpose, the Meaning of Life and Everything…

**Kanashimi:** It's 42, baka.

**Narrator: ***sitting in lotus position, meditating* Ommmmmm, ommmmmm…

**Kanashimi: **(-_-) Please forgive my idiot onee-sama, guys.  She brilliantly decided to take 19 hours this semester, so she's a little out of it.

**Narrator: **Ommmmm mani padme hommmmmmmmm, ommmmm mani padme hommmmmmmmm…

**Kanashimi: ***sigh* Guess we'll just have to do it the hard way. Cherry, if you please.

**Cherry: **Right-oh!  *takes a shillelagh from a nearby rack and hands it to Kanashimi*

**Shillelagh Thwacking Narrator on the Head: **_THWACK!!!_

**Narrator: **Itai!  What the bloody hell was that for?!

**Kanashimi: **Because there are lots of people out there who, for entirely incomprehensible reasons, enjoy the same puerile humor that you do and want to read more of your illiterate ramblings!  It's your duty, dammit, your duty!

**Narrator: **Has she been watching "**1776**" again?

**Cherry: **Unfortunately.  She was singing _"My Name is Richard Henry Lee" _before the chapter started.

**Saitou: **I don't know why _I _had to sing Ben Franklin's part.

**Soujiro:** You're lucky; I was stuck with John Adams.  *thinks for a bit* Who is John Adams, anyway?

**Narrator:** *teacher mode* John Adams of Massachusetts was actually one of three representatives elected to represent that colony in the Second Continental Congress which convened in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in 1775 to consider the question of American independence from the British Empire and was instrumental in the writing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776, which coincidentally wa….

**Shillelagh Thwacking Narrator on the Head: **_THWACK!!!_

**Narrator: **%#$%$#!  Stop doing that!

**Kanashimi: **I had to do it, to protect our reviewers from Gratuitous Boring Historical Information Overload (GBHIO)!

**Soujiro: **History…so…fascinating…must…read…encyclopedia… (@_@)

**Cherry: **See what you did!  My poor psychotic love bunny! *clings to Soujiro, sobbing hysterically*

**Narrator: **Um, sorry about that…

**Sano:** Shoo, damn glad that wasn't me!

**Saitou: ***removing the cotton balls from his ears* It's because you lack the cerebral potential to be affected by something that attacks a higher intellectual function of the human brain, ahou.

**Sano:** Damn straight!  Hey, wait a minute…!

**Disclaimer:** *John Adams is teleported into Narrator's Authorspace* What the…?!

            **Kanashimi:** Just read the cue card, Mr. Dead Ex-President, sir.

           **Adams: **Uh…"The Narrator hereby states that she does not own Rurouni Kenshin or any other anime, musical and/or historical personae that randomly pop up in the telling of this fic."  Why did I…?

            **Kanashimi: **Thanks, that's all we needed.  Buh-bye!  *snaps her fingers and John Adams vanishes*

           **Cherry: **Jeez, dead white guys reading the disclaimers.  This is going to be one hell of a random chapter!

            **Narrator:** So consider yourself warned!

                                                **Kenshin Outtakes, Take 2!**

**                                           _Take 7: The Meaning of Life, Etc._**

_Scene where Kenshin is attempting to find a new sakabatou:_

**Kenshin: ***points to the knives* Would it be all right for me to test one of them?

**Wife of Arai Shakku **(did she have a name?): Please do.

**Iori: **De gozaru!

**Kenshin: ***picks up a knife* Well then… *reaches into his gi and pulls out…a fluffy white bunny*

**Misao: **Huh?

**Okina: **What the…?

**Kenshin: **Oro, that's not it! *puts the rabbit down and takes out a…stuffed owl*

**Everyone else: **o_O

**Kenshin: **Nope.  *tosses owl aside and takes out…an Inuyasha manga* That's not it either…let me see… *pulls out…a bottle opener* I was wondering where that went…nope… *…a Trigun bobblehead* …nope… *…a red umbrella* ...not it...where did I put that thing de gozaru ka?  *finally pulls out the daikon radish* Ah, there we go!

**Misao:** Himura, how the hell did you carry all that stuff in your gi?

**Kenshin: **(^_^x) Sore wa himitsu de gozaru!    (translation: That is a secret!)

_Suddenly a purple-haired bishonen phases onto the scene._

**Xelloss: **How many times do I have to tell you people to stop stealing my catch phrase?!  Knock it off already! *thwacks Kenshin on the head with his staff and phases out in a huff*

**Director: **That's a disturbingly bad precedent.  Cut!

**_Kanashimi: _**_Okay, that was totally OOC for Xelloss._

**_Narrator: _**_There was a karaoke contest last night and I got everyone in the place to sing _"Happy Boys and Happy Girls."

**_Cherry: _**_Oooo, bishonen torture via "Aqua."  You're down-right sadistic sometimes, Narrator._

**_Narrator: _**_^_^_

_Kenshin vs. Chou:_

**Chou: ** If you had shown me that face before, I might have taken you seriously!

**Kenshin: ***deathglare*

A huge killer robot disguised as a giant panda crashes out of the woods behind Chou, rolls across the shrine courtyard, and disappears into the woods behind Kenshin.

**Kenshin + Chou: **O_O

An orange-haired young woman wearing an outfit with ridiculously large shoulder pads comes tearing up the shrine steps and screeches to a halt.

**Excel: **Did you two happen to see a huge killer robot disguised as a giant panda pass by here?

**Kenshin: ***points in the general direction of the robot* He went that way de gozaru.

**Excel: **Thank you, low-life-but-very-polite-human-who-has-unwittingly-aided-in-his-own-immenent-demise!  *poses dramatically* For the glory of Illpolazzo-sama, I, Excel Excel, shall now run off in pursuit of the robot and thus fulfill the last part of our ultimate secret plan that will conquer F-prefecture!  The secret shall not fail, because everyone is too stupid to know about it!  Come on, Hatchan!

A very beautiful but sickly woman with raven hair manages to pull herself up the last step of the shrine.

**Hyatt:** Coming…sempai… *cough, cough, hack, hack, wheeze!*  Oh, I'm a little dizzy…! *falls down in a flat-lining coma*

**RK Cast: **O.O

**Excel: **Honestly, Hatchan, this is no time to be taking a rest!  We must carry out our glorious leader Illpolazzo-sama's plan! *drags Hyatt's body off the set* 

**Director: ***twitch*

**_Kanashimi: _**_What did I tell you about watching "Excel Saga" under the influence?_

**_Narrator: _**_Oops. _

_(This outtake is dedicated to C.M. Forde, our friend and the instigator of Narrator's obsession with LSD-induced bouts of insanity.  Love ya lots, and ganbatte!)_

_Scene introducing the Juppon-gatana_:__

**Kamatari:** Oh, Soujiro-kun, it's been so long since I saw you last!

**Soujiro:** Konnichi-wa, Kamatari-san.

**Kamatari:** It's been a while, too, Yumi-san…

**Yumi:** N-Nice to see you…

**Kamatari: ***going SD* This time we'll really see who will win Shishio-sama's heart!

**Yumi:** *ditto* You're right.  I don't want to lose against a man like you!  *mutters* Stick swinging queer!

**Kamatari:** That's what you think, honey!  I'll have you know I got Nuriko to give me some of his beauty tips _and_ his recipe for Chinese Love Potion!

**Yumi:**  What?!  Nobody said the drag queens were going to be ganging up on me!  It's just not fair!

**Kamatari:**  All's fair in love and war, chica!

**Nuriko: ***offstage* Tell it, girlfriend!

**Kamatari: ***~.^*

_The doors to the studio burst open and in storms a bishonen with the Chinese character for "ogre" etched onto his forehead._

**Tamahome: **Dammit, Nuriko, where the hell have you been?!  Miaka's been spazzing out worrying over you, and everyone has been looking for you everywhere!  Quests just don't fulfill themselves, you know!  Now get your prissed-up rear in gear and let's go! *turns on his heel and begins stomping back to the exit*

**Nuriko: ***mimics Tamahome in a high-pitched girly voice* "Quests just don't fulfill themselves, you know!"  Nyah!  *rolls his eyes dramatically and follows Tamahome* Ganbarre, Kamatari-chan!

**Kamatari:** You too!

**Director:** Two prima-donna transvestites?  I can't take it anymore!

**_Narrator: _**_Two against one really isn't fair._

**_Kanashimi: _**_But then you take into account Yumi's *ahem!* feminine endowments, and the playing field is pretty much leveled._

**_Sano: _**_You said it!  *drool*_

**_Cherry: _**_*smacks him on the head* Jerk!_

_Scene where Sano and Kenshin are walking back to Aoiya after blowing up Shishio's ship (^.^):_

**Sano: **But you know, even though we're all fighting together, you and Saitou don't mix, like oil and water.

**Kenshin: **Actually, Sano, I heard that you were in the care of the police.  You reconciled with Saitou de gozaru ka?

**Sano:** *twitch* What?! *throws Kenshin _through _a nearby wall* Whoopsie…

**Kenshin: **X_Xx

**Director: **Augh, cut!  Medic, we need a medic in here, stat!

_A pretty, cherry-haired young woman in a pastel pink nurse's uniform runs onto the set, pushing a gurney_

**Nurse Joy:** *pulls Kenshin out of the rubble* Oh dear, this Pokémon is badly hurt!  We need to get him to Violet City Gym's Emergency Room as soon as possible!

**Chansey**: Chansey!

**Sano:** Ano, miss?  He's not a Pokémon; he's actually a person.

**Kenshin: ***coming around* Oroooo… @_@x

**Nurse Joy: **Don't be silly!  What kind of human makes a sound like that?!

**Sano: **You gotta point…

**Hiko:** _That's _our medical staff?!  Who's security, the Keystone Cops?

**Director: **For your information, because of all the grievous bodily injuries this show consistently produces…*glares at the assembled cast* …our insurance company selected what it considered to be the most compatible service.  And that's what we got!

**Kanashimi: ***pops up out of no where* And _we're_ security, Mr. Drunken Master!

**Cherry:** *ditto* Got that right!  *brandishes spork*

**RK cast: **o_O

**Saitou: **Figures.

**_Narrator: _**_I actually had to do some research to find the name of Nurse Joy's Pokémon. *shudder*  I **definitely** do not own Pokémon!_

RK Extra!: Yet Another Top 10 List Wherein Narrator Subjects a Bishonen to Various Hideous Tortures No Sane, Decent Mind Would Venture to Concoct

****

**Kanashimi: **That title is too long.

**Narrator: **I believe in truth in advertising.

**Sano: **Kami-sama save me…

**Saitou: ***snicker*

**Top Ten Ways to Torture a Tori-atama:**

1.  Convince Captain Sagara to divulge all those embarrassing stories about Sano when he was a kid.  Don't let the tape recorder be _too_ obvious.

2.  Steal the hair gel he uses and replace it with wood glue.

3.  Convince Megumi to knock him out so Kamatari can do a makeover experiment.

4.  Hold his teddy bear, "Big Bag," hostage and demand 1,000 bottles of saké for ransom.

5. Dye his hair red so he can be a real "Rooster Head."

6.  Steal his red headband thingy and replace it with a sparkly tiara.

7.  Steal the wood glue you gave him and replace it with rubber cement.  If he still uses it, resign in disgust.

8.  Bet him that he can't make it through life without ever gambling again.  When he takes you up on it, collect your money.

9.  Give his home address to Cherry.

10.  Slip a Saitou x Sano doujinshi in amongst his Playboy mag collection.

**Narrator + Cherry: **.

**Sano: **O_O

**Kanashimi: ***^.^*

**Saitou: **-_-

**Soujiro: **?_?  I don't get it.

**Kanashimi: ** I'd be happy to explain…

**Cherry: **Don't you dare!Why won't you two stop abusing/corrupting my psychotic fluffykins?!

**Narrator: **But it's so much fun…

**_RK Extra, Take 2!: The Burning Question_**

****

**Sano: **What, torturing me wasn't enough?!  You have to do _another _one?!

**Narrator: **Well, I wanted to do something interactive for a change, and besides, it's been bothering me for some time.

**Kanashimi: **It's 42, how many times do I have to say it?!

**Cherry: **I don't get it.

**Kanashimi: **(-_-) You and Soujiro were made for each other.  *picks up a random copy of Douglas Adams' _"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" _and chucks it at Cherry* Here, educate yourself.

**Cherry: **Okay! *^_^*

**Saitou: **So what is this "burning question" of yours, Narrator.  I want to get this stupidity over with.

**Narrator: **Well, alright.  So, Saitou: "boxers or briefs"?

**Saitou: **Excuse me?

**Narrator: **It's not that hard of a question, silly.  "Boxers or briefs"?  Inquiring minds want to know…well, slavering fangirls want to know.

**Kanashimi: ***indignant* If you have the audacity to ask about Pookie's underwear…why didn't you tell me before?  I could have found out for you.

**Saitou: **o_O *quietly starts looking for an exit*

**Narrator: **Not just Saitou, honey-child, I'm thinking all the RK bishonen.

**Cherry: **I think Narrator just passed you on the hentai scale, Kanashimi.  But I have to admit…*looks at Sano and Soujiro*…it's _intriguing…_

**Sano + Soujiro: ***eep!*

**Narrator: **Yosh, so it's decided!  We three authoresses will answer the question that plagues the most hardcore fangirl!  "Boxers or briefs"!  And we need your help reviewers!  Submit your opinions, hypotheses,…

**Kanashimi: **(~.^)… insider information…

**Narrator: **…to assist us in this grand undertaking!  No bishonen is safe, no proposition too bold!

**Cherry: **Mission…accepted.

**Soujiro: **We're doomed, aren't we?

**Saitou: **For once, your perceptiveness decides to kick in…

**Sano: ***frantically digging an escape tunnel with a spoon*

Salute!

P.S. – For those of you who don't get the "42" thing, go read _"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"_ which is possibly the most enlightening text ever written by man.


	10. Layest Thou the Smackdown and Finale!

Saitou here.  I have managed to get this ridiculous "laptop" thing to work in hopes of securing our escape from the authoress' vile clutches…

**Soujiro:** Ano, Sagara-san?  I don't think that spoon will work very well on concrete.

**Sano:** Then why don't you go find something that will?!

**Soujiro: **But all Narrator has lying around are some sticks of dynamite…

**Saitou: **(-_-) I am surrounded by morons.  Look, tori-atama, just use that Futae no Kiwami thing of yours to blast us a hole!

**Sano: **Oh, right.

**Saitou: ***twitch* I need a cigarette.

**_*ZORT!!*_**

**Narrator: **No smoking in the Authorspace, honey!

**Sano:** Crap, they're back!

**Cherry: ***does a running leap and glomps him* Didya miss me?

**Sano: ***whimper*

**Kanashimi: **All I want to know is, who the hell tipped Tokio off that we had Saitou?

**Narrator: **Maa, maa, we got away didn't we?

**Kanashimi: **Grrrrr…

**Cherry: **JML, I have three words for you: "Run like hell."

**Disclaimer: ***chibi-Narrator takes a bow* I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.  But that will all change when my nefarious scheme to take over the world is completed!  BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

            **Chibi-Cherry: **Sweet Lord, she got a hold of some Pixie Sticks!

            **Chibi-Kanashimi: ***bringing out the straight-jacket gun*

**Kenshin Outtakes, Takes 2!**

Take #8: "Layest Thou the Smackdown" and Finale

_Sano vs. Anji:_

**Kenshin: **Even if you aren't smart, you can find a way to win if you think about it de gozaru yo!

**Sano: ***twitch* Jeez, each and every one of them…!

**Kenshin:** In swordsmanship, a man with two weapons can't necessarily win against a single sword.  You still have a chance of winning de gozaru yo!

**Yumi: **Chotto, Himura-san…aren't you being a little optimistic?

**Saitou: **You can't' say it's like one sword going up against two.  This is more like pistol going up against a tank!

**Kenshin**: (-_-x) Look, sessha's just trying to psyche him up, okay?  It helps if he actually believes he has a chance of winning de gozaru.

**Yumi: **So, you think he's really stupid enough to believe something like that?

**Kenshin: **...no comment de gozaru.

**Sano:** I can hear you, you know!

**Director: **Cut! There are enough degrading remarks about Sano's intelligence in the script, people.  Stick with those!

**Sano:** Grrrrrr…

_Saitou vs. Usui: Gamepoint!_

**Saitou: ** You were expecting words of pity, maybe?

**Usui:** *pinned to the wall with Saitou's katana, and yet still able to talk…_O) You've got to be kidding…to hold onto one's beliefs without ever being bothered by the smallest doubt; it seems easy, but what a difficult thing it really is!  Now how long can you, in these modern days of the Meiji, how long can you live by the sword and hold true to your "Aku, Soku, Zan"?  *dies…finally*

**Saitou: **Until I die, of course.  Now, be a pal and toss down my katana.

**Usui: **I'm supposed to be dead, idiot.

**Saitou:** Well, I figure you owe me for that stupid long-winded death monologue and all the other speeches.  For the love of Kami-sama, you talked more than Battousai!

**Kenshin:** *offstage* Oh, shut up!

**Usui: **What part of "dead" don't you get, Saitou?!  I'm deceased, I have passed on, bereft of life, I rest in peace.  I have shuffled off this mortal coil and gone to join the Choir Invisible.  If you hadn't impaled me to the wall, I'd be pushing up the daisies!  I am an EX-swordsman!

**Saitou:**…so you're not going to throw me my katana?

**Usui: **Argh!

**Director: **Cut!  Saitou, he's dead!  You're supposed to get your own katana!

**Saitou: **How the hell am I supposed to do that?  Run around looking for a bloody ladder?!  That offends my dignity as a Wolf of Mibu!

**Kaoru: ***offstage* Eeeeeego…

**_Kanashimi:_**_ You couldn't resist, could you?_

**_Narrator: _**_Nope.  Long live Monty Python!_

**_Cherry:_**_ You gotta admit, he talked an awful lot for a dead guy._

_Kenshin vs. Aoshi:_

_Aoshi beats Kenshin down with his Kodachi Nitoryuu Onmyou Hasshi_

**Sano: ***thinking* H-He's strong!

**Kenshin:** *on the ground, looking bloody and unconscious*

**Aoshi: ***trench coat falls off and suit opens enough to show off his scarred chest*

**Kenshin + Sano: ***cough cough* Fan-service! *cough cough!*

**Aoshi: ***blush* It wasn't my idea…

**Misao: ***off-stage* Whoo-hoo, oh yeah, Aoshi-sama!  That's my sexy Okashira!

**Aoshi: ***positively red*

**Director: **Cut!  Okay, we need to get some fangirl support anyway, so that stays in.

We'll just edit it a little…

**Misao: **I still say Aoshi-sama could have just lost his shirt entirely… (^.~)  

_[This outtake was  dedicated to all Aoshi fangirls.  Salute!]_

_Kaoru vs. Kamatari:_

_Kamatari's huge chain-scythe-thingy has just been broken…_

**Kamatari: **Helping Shishio-sama win is everything to Kamatari.  I cannot back down! *starts using the broken haft to spin the chain-thingy*

**Kaoru:** *readies for the attack*

**Kamatari: **Honjo-style great chain scythe attack, _Benten Mawashi!!_*flings the spinning chain at Kaoru*

**Kaoru: ***ducks to avoid; the wind pressure from the chain rips her gi…and something else…* Eeeep! *crosses arms over chest*

**Juppongatana Henchmen: **Whoa… *several faint from nosebleeds*

**Aoshi: ***offstage* Now _that's _fan-service!

**Misao:** What?!  Aoshi-sama no hentai!!  Tobi-kunai!

**Aoshi: **(O.O) Yike! *avoids the kunai, only to be beaned in the head by Kamatari's scythe haft*

**Kamatari: **Cad!  I will not allow my fellow women to be so horribly treated!

**Aoshi: **@_@

**Director:** Umm, Kamatari-san?

**Kamatari: **Yes?  
**Director: ***sigh* Never mind.

**Kaoru: **A little help here, please?!

_Kenshin vs. Soujiro: _

_Kenshin attacks with the Kuzu Ryuu Sen_

**Sano:** He did it!

**Soujiro: **No, we're just getting started!  *appears behind Kenshin*

**Kenshin: ***oh shit!*

**Soujiro: ***slashes Kenshin with inhuman speed* Hm, not bad…

_"Soujiro no Tenken was here! *~.^*" is slashed into Kenshin's back in precise kanji****_

**Kenshin: **Ow!

**RK Cast: ***blink blink*

**Yahiko: ***offstage* Thaaaat's kinda disturbing…

**Soujiro: **If ya got super-god-like speed, use it! *winks*

**Director: **Cut!  Soujiro, no more slicing graffiti into your co-stars!

**Soujiro: **Oh, okay… *pouts*

**Kenshin: **Can someone get sessha a Band-aid de gozaru ka?

_Kenshin (and everyone else) vs. Shishio:_

_Kenshin comes back from the brink of death…_

**Kenshin:** UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

*leaves snap from his ken-ki*

**Sano: ***snaps awake*

**Saitou: ***ditto*

**Kenshin: ***still screaming*

**Sano: **What do ya know…Kenshin turned Super-Saiyan!

**Everyone else on set: ***stare*

**Sano: **What?  What did I say?

**Kenshin:** For uttering the name of that anime…

**Aoshi: **…you must suffer the consequences…

**Shishio: **…damn straight!

**Saitou: Aku, Soku, Zan!**

_As one, they all thwap Sano with the sheathes of their respective swords_

**Sano: **Ow!  Hey, I can't help it if that's what it looks like!  

**Yumi: **Actually, it was more fan-service than anything…ohohohoho!

**Shishio:** Yumi!

**Yumi: **Huh?

**Director: **Cut!

_Scene at the end of the Kyoto Arc, where the Kenshin-gumi return home (the real finale folks!):_

**Kaoru:** Kenshin, do you remember? *looks out over the stream*

**Kenshin:** Kaoru-dono?  
**Kaoru: **This is where you said goodbye to me that night.  Before you left for Kyoto.  *flashback begins to play…* I was…

**Tae:** *comes running up* Kaoru-chan, there's no time for that!  I'm so sorry, but Kenji was playing hide-and-seek with the girls and he climbed on top of the dojo and now he can't get down!  The poor thing's crying!

**Kaoru: ***Protective-Mother mode* Kenji!  What the hell are you standing around for, Kenshin!  We must save him!  *hauls Kenshin off-stage with god-like speed*

**Kenshin: **Oro!

**Megumi, Sano, Yahiko, + Everyone else: **O.o

**Sano: **That was a bit of glitch in the time-space continuum, now wasn't it?

**Yahiko: **Oh, nice call, Mr. Spock!  *thwaps Sano with his shinai* This isn't _Star Trek,_baka!

**Sano: **Argh, will you people stop doing that already?!

**Megumi: **But it's so much fun! *tweaks Sano's nose*

**Sano: **Heeeeeey!!

**Director: **I give up…

**_Narrator:_**_ Whew, kore wa "owari" desu yo!  Yokatta!_

**_Kanashimi:_**_ Slacker._

**_Narrator: _**_Oh, shut up…_

**_                                    RK Extra: Top Ten List Finale!_**

**Sano: **Thank Kami-sama.  Although, I got more than my fair share of torture, I think…

**Narrator: **I'm sorry, Kenshin!  But I had to be fair!

**Kenshin: **Maa maa, Narrator-dono, sessha is not worried de gozaru.

**Kanashimi: **Oh, but you will be little man… *snaps whip* You will be…

**Cherry: **You can start screaming now if you want to.  *evil smirk*

**Kenshin: **Oro.

**Top Ten ways to Torture the Main Character:**

1.  "Accidentally" pour ink into the laundry tub.

2.  Run around screaming, "Oh no, killer dust bunnies have kidnapped Kaoru!"

3. Wiffle bat.  (*~.^*)

4.  Steal his gold contacts so his "Battousai mode" is rendered useless.

5.  Convince Kaoru that it would be an _excellent_ idea to cook a gourmet dinner for his birthday.

6.  Cornrow his hair while he's asleep.

7.  Dye his clothes a really girly color…oh, wait…

            (**Kanashimi: **Can anyone think of a girly-er color than pink?

**            Kenshin: (**-_-x) It's magenta de gozaru, how many times does sessha have to say it?!)

8. Ask him which skin care products he prefers: Mary Kay or Almay?

9.  Use his sakabatou for a piñata stick.

10.  Duct-tape him to a chair and force him to listen to _Sobakasu_ over and over and over and over and over…in English.

**Kenshin: (**O.Ox)  Nooooooooooooooooo! *curls up into a little ball*

**Narrator: ***twitch* Dub…must destroy dub…

**Kanashimi: ** And I was just getting started.

**Cherry: **Stupid "10" limitation.

**_RK Extra, Take 2!: The Burning Question, Answered!_**

**Narrator: ** And so that brings us to the very last RK Extra.  In the previous episode, Kanashimi, Cherry and I undertook a mission to answer the question that has plagued drooling fangirls for years: "Boxers or briefs?"

**Kanashimi: **Actually, I think it was just _your_ hentai fixation…

**Cherry: **All that aside, we got lots of help from you reviewers…

**Kanashimi: **...I still want to know who tattled to Tokio…

**Narrator: ***sweatdrop* …and the mission was a success.  So without further ado, the bishonen of Rurouni Kenshin will answer the question!

_Narrator snaps her fingers and Aoshi, Hiko and Kamatari join the already assembled bishies._

**Narrator: **We had lots of votes for thongs, which wasn't too surprising…

**RK Guys: ***shudder*

**Narrator: **…but we'll leave it for the bishies themselves to tell.  All right guys, you know the drill: spill or we spill for ya!  

**Kamatari: **Ohohoho, well, I can't say I'm not mad at you for that "Top Ten List" of yours *glares at Narrator* but I cannot disappoint my fans!  I do prefer that freedom of wearing a kimono…

**RK Guys: **O_o

**RK Girls: **_What_ freedom?!

**Kamatari: **…but you just have to accessorize, which is why I was _so_ upset when my poor scythe got broken. *sniffles* But anyway, unsightly lingerie is an absolute no-no!  That's why I prefer Victoria's Secrets' 2002 Angels collection.  Ohohohoho!  But I'm afraid I can't give away any more of my beauty secrets.

**Narrator: **Thank you for enlightening us, Kamatari-san!  Okay, Hiko-san, you're up.

**Hiko:** Boxers.

**Kenshin:** Oro, shishou has no shame de gozaru yo!

**Kanashimi: **Good for him!  You go, Hiko!

**Hiko: **You are far too young for me.

**Kanashimi:** Eh?

**Cherry: **Nice to know his ego's healthy…

**Narrator: **Erm, anyway…next is the Oniwabanshu no Okashira, Shinomori Aoshi.

**Aoshi:** …

**Kanashimi:** What we have here is an uncooperative bishy.  Cherry?

**Cherry: **Well, Aoshi-san was a bit of a problem, being a ninja and all, but luckily, we had some help from Ruby Kitsune and VenusDeOmnipotent…

**Aoshi: **Kowai…*looks around anxiously*

**Narrator:** …who oh-so-graciously kept Mr. Ice Cube occupied while our inside agent procured the info!  And so, Misao…

**Aoshi: **What?!

**Misao: **Gomen, Aoshi-sama, but they had a good cause!  Aoshi-sama, why didn't you ever tell me that you liked Speedos?

**Aoshi:** *turns bright red*

**Other RK Bishies: ***snicker*

**Kanashimi:** Well, according to JML, they're actually called "fundonshi," but the Speedo might explain Aoshi's…ahem…_charming_ personality.

**Narrator:** And now we go on to Sano…

**Sano: **Well, that's not going to do you any good, 'cuz I don't wear any! *crosses arms and looks smugly at Narrator*

**Saitou: **Ahou.

**Sano: **What?!  All I said was that they could never find out "boxers or briefs" because…oh…

**Cherry: ***pats him on the head* That's my boy.

**Narrator: **As for Soujiro, we got lots of votes for him wearing briefs, and although tesuka-chan suggested a flashy neon green thong…

**RK Bishies: ***look at Soujiro*

**Soujiro: **^_^

**Kanashimi: **…it seems that the majority was in the right!  You know, I had no idea that they still made _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle _underwear…

**Soujiro:** I can find a pair for you, Kanashimi-san.

**Kanashimi:** Thanks, but I'll stick with…

**Narrator: **_Anyway, _that brings us to Kenshin.

**Kenshin: ***blush* Ano, sessha…

**Cherry: **I can't believe how may fans said "commando," but once again, we got some insider info…

**Kaoru: **Black silk boxers that I got him for his birthday.

**Kenshin: **Oro!  K-K-Kaoru!

**Kaoru:** *blush* They would have found out anyway, Kenshin, so I just told them so they'd leave you alone.  And besides, they're nice boxers, neh?

**Kenshin: **Ano…

**Kaoru: **If you didn't like them, why didn't you just say so!?!

**Kenshin: (**O.Ox) Oro, sessha likes them very much, they were one of the best birthday presents ever de gozaru yo, it's just that…!

**Sano: **Kenshin, shut up and run.

**Kaoru: ***severely PO'ed* KENSHIN NO BAKAAAAAAA!!

**Kenshin: **Hai! *runs away like the power of Hell is after him…relatively speaking*

**Kanashimi:** *as Kaoru chases her dear husband around Narrator's Authorspace* It'd be a lot more fun for Kaoru if Kenshin hadn't come pre-whipped.

**Cherry:** Tell it, girl.

**Narrator:** Getting back to the _point_…our little skit has run its course with one question unanswered.

**Everyone: ***look at Saitou*

**Saitou: **Don't even think about it.

**Kanashimi: **Too late, Pookie!  OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!****

**Saitou:** Oh, crap… *runs*

**Kanashimi: **Oh, I do so love to play "Catch"!  *runs after him*

**Narrator: ***looks at watch* Oh no, we're out of time!  Looks like Saitou will have to remain a fantasy in the minds of fangirls.  I've come to the end of my outtakes, so you reviewers know what that means…

**Cherry: ** Party time!!

**Narrator: **Yup.  Here's the official invitation:

**Invitation to The Narrator's End-of-the-Outtakes Halloween Extravaganza!**

Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews.  It makes me happy to know that I have spread so much laughter and hilarity (and insanity) with my humble skills.  So, do please come to my Authorspace!

_All you need is:_

Your name (and whether you're male/female)

Name of at least one fic you've written

Your favorite RK character

Suggestions for games, etc, and anything you can think of to make this a fun party

Your favorite outtake

_In addition, you must have a costume; the party will take place on 30 October, and Halloween just is no fun without a costume!_

_The RK characters will need a little help, though.  Include their costume suggestions in your review!_

**Narrator: **Do say you'll come!  Salute!


	11. Party!

**Dedication: **_To my little sister, Kanashimi, who has been a source of inspiration and aggravation._

_                   To Cherry, a good friend who I can count on for the most entertaining questions._

_                 To C.M. Forde, who has actually managed to out-hentai me on the rare occasion._

_                To my reviewers, whose messages of encouragement gave me the motivation to keep entertaining you._

**Disclaimer:** Good grief, you still think I own Rurouni Kenshin?  If you do, do me a favor and try to convince Nobuhiro Watsuki for me!

Oh, and I don't own anything else that I might have borrowed from music, literature, or other anime in this thing, either…

                                    **Party Time!  Halloween at The Narrator's!**

            "Well, I still say he looks like Tuxedo Mask."

            "I'm _supposed_ to be the Phantom of the Opera," the white-masked bishonen argued, his ever-present smile wavering somewhat, "I'm nothing like that ponce!"

            "Maybe you should just go with the first mask, darling," Cherry suggested, clad in an ensemble that Narrator termed "Gothic wench." (The dress was black and strapless, the bodice was leather and lace-up.  If that's not "wench", Narrator is open to interpretation.)

            "But that one makes my face all sweaty," Soujiro whined.

            "That's why I chose this costume," Sano said smugly, "No stupid masks or capes."  He had actually forgone his usual red headband so he could look more like Carrot Glace of _Sorcerer Hunters _fame.

            "Only because you have an unprecedented predilection to be a 'baka hentai'," Soujiro muttered.

            "Nani?!"

            "Yo, no time for fighting, guys," Narrator said, stepping between them, "Cherry, you and Soujiro need to finish decorating, and Sano, you need to help me get the rest of the cider up here.  The guests might arrive any minute!"

            "Yes, mistress," Sano said, bowing mockingly.  He began walking toward the main door of the party room, which was an intricately wood-carved work of art representing an epic battle between angels and demons.

            ***_BOOM!_***

            It also made for a lot of itty-bitty splinters.

            "Nihao!" a lavender-haired girl in a skin-tight mandarin dress trilled, brandishing her bonbori.

            "Dang it, Kanashimi, there's a thing called a door handle you know!" Narrator yelled.

            "It's also called 'making an entrance'!" Kanashimi retorted, making her bonbori disappear into Hammerspace with a wave of her hand, "I'm trying to be in character."

            "Why in the name of Kami-sama did she have to be Shampoo?" Narrator groaned to herself, massaging her temples.

            "Sano!" Cherry cried, rushing forward.  She immediately dragged her injured pookie from the disaster site.

            "But I don't wanna do the laundry!" Sano whined, swirly-eyed.

            "See what I mean?" Narrator snapped, "Now my manual labor is kaput!"

            "Whoopsie," Kanashimi said, almost contritely, "Well anyway, I wanted everyone to see Pookie's costume.  Pookie, come out here and show them!"

            "No," came Saitou's voice.

            "Saitou…" Kanashimi said warningly.

            "…"  Reluctantly, Saitou appeared in the blasted doorway.

            Narrator and Cherry took one look at him and started laughing their heads off.

            "Oh man, that's perfect!" Narrator howled, "He's creepy enough even without the makeup!"

            "Well, I think he's sexy!" Kanashimi protested, after beaning her dear onee-sama in the head with a well-aimed bonbori, "Count Dracula's got the monopoly on Gothic gorgeousness, so of course Pookie fits the role!"  She giggled and glomped her frowning vampiric companion.

            "Shoot me," said Saitou.

            "Whatever, Kanashimi," Cherry said diplomatically, "Are you all right, Sano?"

            "Yeah," Sano grunted, pushing himself up off the floor, "but for a second there, I coulda sworn I saw Bela Lugosi reincarnated and standing right…oh."  Sano caught sight of Saitou, who was glowering daggers at him.  "Nice makeup job," he snorted.

            "I still have my katana, ahou," Saitou growled.

            "Oh no, you don't," Narrator contradicted him, holding up Saitou's katana, "The rules from the last party still apply, honey."

            "Sorry, but it is her Authorspace after all, Pookie," Kanashimi apologized.

            "Damn," Saitou muttered.

            "Hey, I thought you said it was sacrilegious to use the apse of Mont-St. Michel,' Kanashimi observed, stepping into the party room and staring up at the soaring gothic vaults that disappeared into the deep shadows of the high ceiling.

            "Well, it's the _nave_ of the Chartes cathedral for one," Narrator explained, "I happen to like gargoyles and rose windows.  Besides, the House of Usher would have taken too long to sheet-rock.  A Halloween party's got to have atmosphere, neh?"

            "True that," Kanashimi agreed, nodding.

            "Do you have any idea what they just said?" Sano asked Saitou.

            "Do I look like I have any idea of what they just said?" Saitou shot back.

            "Neh, onee-sama, what's your costume?" Kanashimi asked suddenly, "Or are you going with the "unemployed-slacker-college-student" look this year?"

            "Shimatta!  I almost forgot!" Narrator cried, and without further ado, she bolted through the door, leaving the others staring after her blankly.

            "She's certainly got the "psycho-party-hostess" thing down," Cherry commented, "We could help her if we could just find that spare strait-jacket around here somewhere…"

**_*ZORT!*_**

            "Bob!  Can you stop with the freakin' special effects already?!" Kanashimi choked, waving acrid silver-and-pink smoke from her face.

            "Oro, sessha is terribly sorry about that, Kanashimi-dono," a familiar voice spoke through the fumes.

            "Did we come too early?" asked another.

            "Geez, Kenshin, Jou-chan, am I glad to see you!" Sano exclaimed, waving a clear path through the smoke, "You have no idea what I've been going through…whoa!"

            "I see onee-sama's been reading _Sword in the Stone_ again," Kanashimi commented, "Please say hello to Kenshin the Pendragon and Guinevere the Tanuki."

            Kaoru looked mildly put out by the "tanuki" comment, but was having too much trouble with her silver circlet to do more than glare.

           "Ooo, I love your dress!" Cherry said, eyeing the 11th century blue silk number Kaoru was wearing, "But I think that red tunic of yours kinda clashes with your hair, Kenshin."

Kenshin shrugged amiably, and, pointing to the rampant golden dragon on his chest, said "Narrator-dono thought it was the most appropriate de gozaru."

            "Who's that?" Soujiro wanted to know, pointing to the third person in the Himura party.  Said person had been hanging to the rear of the new arrivals.

            "This is our son, Kenji," Kaoru said proudly, dragging the reluctant thirteen-year-old forward.

            "Huh?  Hey, wait a second…" Sano said, pointing at Kenji, then to Kaoru and Kenshin, "When did you…I thought…"

            "Don't hurt yourself thinking about it, Sano," Cherry said comfortingly, "Narrator's decided to mess with the space-time continuum again."

            "Oh," said Sano.

            "So, who are you supposed to be, Kenji-kun?" Soujiro asked.

            Kenji only glared at him.

            "Wow, he's got that angsty-repressed teenager thing down pat," Kanashimi observed.  She ruffled Kenji's hair.  "That's so cute."

            "Hey, knock it off!" Kenji snarled at her, batting her hand away.

            "Oro!  Don't be so rude to our hostess de gozaru yo!" Kenshin yelped, more concerned about Kanashimi's potential reaction than manners.  But of course, Kenji took it the wrong way.

            "Like you care!" Kenji spat at his father.

            "Kenji!" Kaoru scolded.

            "Are they going to do this charming family bit all evening?" Saitou wanted to know, "Because it would really nice if Narrator would allow saké this time around."

            "Shut up, Saitou," Kenshin shot at his only-living arch-nemesis.

            "Why don't you try and make me, Battousai?"

            "Ah, jeez," Kanashimi sighed.  She slapped a collar on Saitou.  "Now, I'll take this off if you promise not to pick any fights, Pookie."

            "Oh, all right…" Saitou grumbled, narrowing his eyes at Kenshin and daring him to laugh.

            "Anyway, don't you think Kenji's costume is a bit ironic?" Cherry blurted.  Everyone looked at her.  "Well, he's wearing the white tunic and red cross of Sir Galahad."  Everyone blinked slowly.  "You know, Sir Galahad…the purest and most virtuous of all the knights in Camelot?  The one with the most loyalty to Arthur during the quest for the Holy Grail?"

            "_Riiiiiiiiiiiiight…_" Sano said.  Cherry sighed and muttered something about people being mis-educated.

**_*ZORT!*_**

            "KONNICHI-WA, MINNA-SAN!!"

            "Not so loud, Misao-chan!" Kaoru complained, clapping her hands over her ears, "The echoes in here are incredible."

            "Sorry 'bout that," Misao's voice responded through the thick blue fog.

            "I really hate inter-dimensional transport," Megumi's voice added.

            "Hey, Fox-lady, glad you could join us!" Sano called.

            "Well, it's not like I had any choice," Megumi observed acidly as the glooming mist dissipated.

            "Holy…!"  Sano quickly clamped a hand over his nose to hide the sudden onset of a nose bleed.  Cherry's eye twitched.  Kenshin and Kaoru could only gape in amazement.

            "Again, it's not like I had any choice," Megumi sniffed with as much dignity as she could, clad in black leather safari pants and a mini red leather biker jacket.  She pushed her black biker hat back from her face.  

            "I'm glad Narrator thought that Megumi should be the anime Chocolate Misu, or I think the Rooster-head would have passed out from blood loss by now," Yahiko, dressed as Oda Nobunaga in full samurai regalia, chortled.

            "Would not," Sano said, somewhat thickly because of the wads of tissue up his nose.  Cherry's eye was now developing a nervous tic, and she latched firmly onto Soujiro.

            "I see onee-sama's decided to go with a couple's theme," Kanashimi said, "Love the _Matrix_ outfits, Misao, Aoshi.  At least you got the color right this time around, eh, Aoshi?"

            Aoshi merely looked at her over the frames of his expensive sunglasses.

            "I dunno if I really like being Trinity," Misao admitted, tugging at her skin-tight black leather body suit, "How the heck are you supposed to fight in something like this?  I can barely breathe!  And these stiletto boots are killing me!"

            "Mind over matter, as they say," Soujiro said cheerfully.

            Misao's eye twitched and she pulled a shot gun from somewhere in her trench coat.  "Care to say that again, Smiley-Boy?" she growled, leveling the weapon at Soujiro's face.  Aoshi smirked ever-so-slightly.

            "Aaaah…" Soujiro scooted behind Cherry, who, since she was also wearing stiletto boots, did not rise to defend her pookie more aggressively.

            "Dear god, itachi-musume's got a weapons upgrade," Saitou muttered, "I'm really going to need saké..."

**_*ZORT!*_**

            "Well, you'll have to get your own then!" Hiko's voice boomed out from the midst of clouds of crimson-and-gold smoke.

            "Ano, shishou, sessha does not think Narrator-dono will….oro!" Kenshin exclaimed.

            "What?" Hiko demanded.  He was wearing a white silk suit with flashy red lapels, at least three heavy gold chains around his neck, and a white fedora with a ridiculously wide brim on his head.  Okon and Omasu, wearing identical black leather miniskirts and halter tops, were latched onto either of his arms, giggling.

            "Okon…?  Omasu…?" Misao eeped, looking like she had just gotten bopped on the head with a mallet.  Aoshi had pretty much an identical expression.

            "Whoo, ninja chicks are hot," Yahiko blurted, drooling slightly.

            "Oh, yeah," Kenji agreed.  His mother thwacked him on the head.  "Itai!"

            "Er-hem, Yahiko-chan, can you say '_Tsubame'_?" Sano said to the young samurai.

            "Oh shut up!" Yahiko snapped, blushing.

            "Pimp-Daddy Hiko!" Kanashimi howled, holding her sides and laughing, "That's the perfect costume!"

            "You're still too young for me, little girl," Hiko reminded her.

            "Eh?"

            "Eeeeeeeego…" Cherry said softly.

**_*ZORT!*_**

            The entire party room was suddenly engulfed in a thick, cold, cloying grey fog that dimmed even the bright blue-flame torches and chandelier.  "W-what's coming through now?" Kaoru asked.

            "This ken-ki…" Kenshin said, his senses on full alert. He pulled Kaoru and Kenji behind him, wishing for his sakabatou.

            "But…it's impossible," Saitou murmured, reaching instinctively for his absent katana.

            "But it must be…" Soujiro insisted, his face completely serious as he vainly attempted to see through the wraith-mist.  Hiko and Aoshi were tense as they tried to read the hostile new ki.

            "Quite a welcoming party, wouldn't you say, Yumi?" a voice drawled.

            "Quite, Shishio-sama…"

            The fog evaporated as if it had never been, revealing four people to the assembled party.

            "What the…?!" Misao and Yahiko blurted at the same time. 

            "Enishi?!" Kaoru yelped.

            "Shishio!" Kenshin, Saitou, Aoshi, and Sano yelled at the same time.

            "Shishio-sama?" Soujiro queried.  Cherry hastily drew him aside before he could have another spastic breakdown.

            "Yes, that's my name; I was aware of that."  Shishio smirked at their amazed faces.  "What else do you expect on Halloween?"

            "A costume maybe," Kanashimi remarked, "Mummy is rather cliché, don't ya think?"

            "But it goes so well with mine, neh?" Yumi interjected, preening in her elaborate Cleopatra attire.

            "Eh, true," Kaoru said thoughtfully.

            "Why the hell would Narrator invite _him_?!" Sano demanded out of the corner of his mouth.

            "Something about a dunk-tank," Kanashimi told him sotto-voce.

            "Oh," said Sano, looking immensely happier.

            "Hey don't forget about me!" a young man in a sharp black pin-stripe zoot suit whined, shoulder-length purple hair fanning out beneath his black fedora.

            "Um, who are you?" Misao asked, completely confused.

            "Jeez, you'd think after I kicked your butt in a fight, you'd remember!" the bishonen huffed, "It's me, silly!  Kamatari!"

            "Kamatari?!" Kaoru, Misao, Yahiko, Okon, and Omasu gasped in disbelief.

            "I'm George from _Paradise Kiss_, in case you were wondering," Kamatari informed them with a giggle.

            "Darn, I woulda bet even money he'd be Isabelle," Kanashimi muttered.

            "Ano, Enishi…?" Kenshin said hesitantly, keeping one eye on Shishio.

            "Leave me alone," Enishi growled, looking none-too-happy in his angel get-up.  Bad enough he was wearing a dress, but the feathers were bothering his allergies and his halo kept slipping down over one eye.

            "Er…" Kenshin said.  He was spared from making a comment by a timely **_*ZORT!*_** from Bob.

            There was a blinding flash of emerald light and suddenly Youko Kurama, a miniature Shining Gundam, an authoress, and a graceful she-demon with silver, red-streaked hair and vicious-looking facial tattoos were standing in their midst.

            "Oro?" Kenshin said for everyone.

            "Greetings," Kurama (authoress Setine) said, bowing genteelly before abandoning character and diving at Saitou.

            Saitou "ack"-ed and dodged, remembering the last time another authoress caught a hold of him in Kanashimi's presence.

            "Sano!" GuseBat (aka GB, as herself) shrieked and glomped the doomed bishy.

            "Sano!" Megumi and Cherry exclaimed angrily.

            "What?!  I can't help it if they like me!" Sano protested.  Megumi's only reply was to play threateningly with her garrote-wire.  Sano gulped.

            "Hello, Aoshi-sama," the demoness Aya Sinimori purred, running her titanium claws lightly up his arm.  Aoshi gulped and Misao's trigger finger twitched ever-so-slightly.

            "Dozo yoroshiku!" the mecha (Saijin-Zero) said in a muffled voice.

            "Hey, it's a gundam!" Cherry blurted.  Her eyes widened and she clapped a hand over her mouth.  Everyone stared at her, with the exception of Saijin-Zero.

            "Law of mecha anime," he explained to them hastily, "If you say 'It's a gundam' without quotation marks…"

            A laser bolt came out of nowhere, streaming right for Cherry.

            "_Kee-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"_ Cherry yelled, whipping her Marine Corps saber from Hammerspace.  In an impressive display of marital dexterity, she deflected the beam toward Shishio, who in turn hit the dirt to avoid being hit.

            Everyone snapped their fingers in disgust. ("Bite me," Shishio growled. "Okay!" Kamatari squealed.  Yumi growled.)

            "…you get zorched within ten seconds," Saijin finished in the odd silence that followed, "That was awesome, Cherry-san!"

            "Thanks!" Cherry gasped, "I don't know why the hell Narrator holds true to the laws of anime in her own Authorspace!"

            "That…was random," Hiko observed and decided it would be better if he, his saké, and his girls withdrew to one of the side rooms for the duration of the party.  Narrator was not there to stop him, after all.

**_*ZORT!*_**

            A flurry of lavender-and-white rose petals heralded the arrival of a moon goddess, a werewolf, a green flying monkey, and Ranma (boy version).

            "Airen!" Kanashimi squealed, diving at the unfortunate young man.

            "Augh!" Ranma (Jason M. Lee) yelped as he received a full Amazon glomp.

            "Yes!  Finally free!" Saitou cheered.

            "That leaves you for me, Saitou!" Setine crowed, using her rose-whip to reel in the Wolf of Mibu.

            "Damn," Saitou sighed.  He swiftly wriggled out of the bounds and ran like hell.

            "Sorry, had to be in character," Kanashimi explained, releasing "Ranma" and patting him on the head, "You understand, neh?"

            "Eh-heh heh…" JML groaned weakly, nursing his bruised ribs.  Kanashimi skipped off in search of her Pookie.

            "I love your dress, Kaoru," the moon goddess Caroline remarked.

            "Thank you.  Yours is lovely, too," Kaoru replied graciously, admiring the way Caroline's costume seemed to give off a delicate silver illumination.

            Inuyuki, the werewolf, tromped up to Kenshin.  "H-hai, Ookami-dono?" Kenshin said nervously.

            Inuyuki leered.  "Don't worry, I'm not gonna do anything that'll tick Kaoru off.  I just wanted to…" *_GLOMP!*_

            "Oro!" Kenshin squeaked

            "Hahahahahahaha!" Shessha's Crazy (the flying green monkey) cackled as she flew up into the rafters, Soujiro in tow, "Smiley-boy is mine!"

            "Give me back my psycho fluffy-kins!" Cherry demanded.

            "No! Nyah!"

            "Help!' Soujiro yelped, having just discovered that he was a raving acrophobic.

            "Was the last party like this?" Shishio asked Yumi as the couple lounged on a sofa in easy reach of one of the snack tables.

            "Oh, much worse; everyone in the Battousai-gumi was getting assaulted by fangirls," Yumi said over the chaos as she served him some choice sushi.

            "Hm, should be entertaining," Shishio snickered.

**_*ZORT!*_**

            The lemon-scented mist evaporated to reveal Yoh Asakura, a female Kenshin, and two Misaos.

            "Nee-chan, can I avenge you on that Battousai?" Enishi (who had been hitting the cider pretty hard) asked as Jovian Angel took a running leap and glomped the inspiration for her costume.

            "Heeeeeeey, where's Soujiro-kun?" Yoh (authoress also known as Joey-kun) whined.

            "He's being held hostage by an insane flying monkey and Cherry-san's going ballistic trying to get him back," Kenji (being the closest person to her who was still coherent) informed her curtly.

            "Oh.  Oh, well, I'll just have to make do…come're, Kenji-kun!"

            "Nani?!"

            _*GLOMP!*_

            "Aoshi-sama!" one of the Misaos (Tesuka-chan to her friends) shrieked, cross-tackling the okashira.

            "Hey, I've had just about enough…!" (the real) Misao began threateningly.

            "Misao-sama!" the other Misao (the leggy, well-endowed blonde one wearing librarian glasses, if you were confused) interrupted her.  She grabbed the stunned itachi-musume and squealed.  "Tee-hee!  Don't you just love my costume, _darling?_"  She sneaked a quick peck on Misao's cheek.

            "Wow…" was all Aoshi could manage (which was a lot more than the rest of the men).

            "Let's just say C.M. Forde-chan _really_ likes Misao," Kanashimi said in the stunned silence, "But you're going to confuse people, C.M.!"

            "That's okay!" C.M. Forde said, "I came prepared!" She let go of Misao long enough to strip off the ninja costume, revealing a quintessential Playboy bunny outfit.  "Do you like this one better?"

            "Erm…"

**_*ZORT!*_**

            "Nee-chan, my head hurts now," Enishi whined as a second female Kenshin, a Saitou-esque cop,  a female Inuyasha and a draconian-winged wolf-girl with horns (a Nalkite, for those who were wondering) appeared in a shower of blue-and-orange sparks, "Make it stoooooooooop!"  Yahiko deftly relieved him of his cider mug, figuring to spare everyone one more raving psychotic.

            "Aw, phoo, Kenshin's not Battousai!" Amanda (the newest "Kenshin") groused.

            "Yeah, no fair!" Kurayami agreed, sulking in a very Inuyasha-like manner.

            "We're going to have to find a way to draw him out!" they declared in unison and went over to the dessert table to plot.

            "Sessha does not like the sound of that de gozaru," said Kenshin, having just escaped his last glomping.

            "Hello, Kenshin," Kaidona the Nalkite purred, her draconian wings holding her in a hover above his head.

            "Yipe!" Kenshin managed before Kai-chan literally got the drop on him.

            "My, these fangirls become more and more creative," Kaoru commented, dipping her biscotti in her coffee.

            "You seem pretty calm about all this," said Caroline.

            "Well, he _is_ my husband…" Kaoru pointed out.

            "Not to mention Narrator's too much of a die-hard K+K fan to let anything untoward happen," JML finished for her.  Kaoru only grinned.

            "Oh Saitou-saaaaaaaaaan?" the Goddess of Lit and Vocab (lit, for short) called, "Where are yoooooooooouuuu?"  She felt a tug on the sleeve of her police uniform.

            "Pookie's hiding again," Kanashimi said to her, "Setine and I are seeking."  She jerked her thumb at Setine, who was currently lifting up the black tablecloth to check under the chips table.

            "Ooo, I love hide-and-seek!" lit burbled, "Can I play?"

            "Okay-be," Kanashimi agreed.

**_*ZORT!*_**

            "Hello!" Belldandy (aka Neko) called out as the clouds of silver glitter settled.

            "Nyao!" a cute white-and-brown girl cat (Nozomie) purred.

            "Shinigami in the house!" Kitsune-kurama (Kit) crowed, brandishing her scythe.

            "Feh!" Luvsdogz (Ld) sneezed.  She brushed the glitter from her red kimono ensemble and long white hair, her white dog ears twitching in irritation.  "Stupid %$##*& glitter!" she cursed, sounding uncannily like a certain hanyou, "Where's Kenshin?"

            "Hey, Belldandy-neko and you other neko!" Cherry called to Neko and Nozomie, "Think you can help me get Soujiro!?"

            "Why, certainly," Neko acquiesced, gathering divine wind and light between her palms.

            "Hey, no fair!" Shessha's Crazy protested.

            "Oh, thank Kami-sama!" Soujiro gasped.

            "You mean Megami-sama!" Nozomie corrected him, as Neko released the retrieval spell.

            "Oh, right."

            "Is anyone else coming?" Misao wondered, hiding behind a column to get away from C.M. Forde.

            "Yeah, and where the hell is Narrator?" Yahiko added.  He had been called "samurai-chan" by several people (none the least of whom was Kamatari) and was slightly put-out.  "I mean, she's the reason we're here!"

            "You're right; it's not like her to let Chaos reign in her Authorspace without supervision de gozaru,' Kenshin agreed worriedly, precariously perched on a sconce above them to escape the fangirls.

            "Kanashimi-san, do you know where your onee-san is?" Misao asked Kanashimi, snagging the up-and-coming dominatrix by the arm as she ran past in her desperate search for her Pookie.

            "Huh? Onee-sama's not here?" Kanashimi queried blankly.  She scanned the room.  Kaoru was apparently telling a funny story (most likely about Kenshin) to JML, Jovian Angel, Caroline, and Kit, who were laughing hysterically; Amanda and Kurayami were still deeply involved in their war council; Soujiro was in the middle of a four-way catfight between Neko, Shessha's Crazy, Nozomie, and Cherry, and obviously not thrilled about it; Sano was following a pissed-off Megumi around, begging forgiveness for something he said/did while GB snickered; Kenji was getting drinks for Joey-kun and himself; Aoshi was reluctantly singing "_My Girl_" for a _very_ vocal audience consisting of Aya, Tesuka-chan, and Ld over at the karaoke machine; Kaidona and Saijin-Zero were racing the length of the party room over the heads of the revelry; Kamatari was flirting with an inebriated  Enishi over by the cider keg, while C.M. Forde gleefully caught it all on a tape-recorder; Shishio and Yumi were in their own little world (best place for them); Setine and lit were triumphantly dragging Saitou from his hiding place (the sarcophagus in the mortuary chapel).

            "Wow, you're right!" Kanashimi said, "Last time I saw her, though, she was running through the door, yelling her head off about forgetting her costume.  I wonder if…"

                                                **_*FOOM!*_**

            The thunder-clap made everyone yell in surprise and cover their ears.  The lights suddenly went out.

            "Oi, what happening?!"

            "Ow, that's my foot!"  
            "All right, who just groped me?!"

            "Damn, I spilled my cider!"

            _"Willkommen in Hölle!"_ a deep, ominous voice echoed through the darkened party hall, _"Until the bells doth midnight toll, this hall your prison be.  Tonight doth Shadow and Terror own, their master being…**ME!"**_

            There was an explosion of black and red fire in the middle of the party hall and the blue-flames of the chandelier roared to life.  The illumination revealed a mysterious figure clad in black, its pink eyes glowing with unearthly light.  Small black horns protruded almost unnoticeably from the forehead, and the black, red-lined cape swished aside to reveal a long barbed tail.

            "WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

            "Hey!" Narrator yelped, baring an impressive array of fangs, "What's so friggin' funny?!"

            "Hahahaha…heh…sorry, onee-sama," Kanashimi wheezed, wiping a tear from her eye, "It's just…"

            "I've never pictured Mephistopheles with pigtails," C.M. Forde admitted.

            "That's my thing!" Mephistopheles/Narrator protested, grabbing a hold of her trademark hair-do defensively.

            "Maa maa, Narrator-dono," Kenshin soothed, "It was a very impressive entrance de gozaru yo."

            "Was it?" Narrator asked uncertainly.  Everyone nodded, if at least to be polite to their hostess.

            "Don't you have something to say, Narrator-san?" Saijin-Zero prompted.

            "Oh right!  Welcome, minna-san, to my Authorspace!  Let's get this party started!"

                                                            ~*~

            The music cut off suddenly.

            "Ha! Mine!"

            "No fair!"

            "You can sit on my lap, if you want, Misao," C. M. Forde offered graciously.

            "Er, that's okay," Misao said, beating as hasty a retreat as she could manage in her stilettos.

            "I can see why her ninja skills would be affected by that," Narrator commented sympathetically as Misao hobbled over to the pie table, "I must say that musical chairs was a really great idea, lit-san."

            "Thanks," replied lit, pressing the 'play' button on the stereo.  "_Just Communication"_ blared out once more and the contestants, now consisting of C.M. Forde, Kenshin, Setine, Saitou, Kurayami, Sano, Jovian Angel, JML, Soujiro, Inuyuki, Aoshi, and Caroline, once more began their orbits around the chairs.  The rest of the party goers, those who had either declined to play or had been eliminated, were cheering on their favorites.

            The music stopped again, and there was a mad scramble for the seats.

            "Ow, hey!" Kurayami yelped as Sano used a rather slick elbow nudge to slide her out of the way of the seat she had been aiming for.  She managed to get the one right next to it and accidentally-on-purpose thwacked Sano with Tetsusaiga's hilt.

            "Itai!"

            "You deserved that one, ahou," Saitou commented, miraculously still smoking his cigarette (his second since the game started).

            "How do you keep those things lit?" Inuyuki, sitting behind him, wanted to know.

            "Yeah, and do you _have_ to smoke?" JML demanded from his spot beside her, waving his hand in front of his face and coughing.  Saitou's only response was to glare at him condescendingly.

            "Gomen, Caroline-dono; sessha took your seat de gozaru.  Would you like to have it?" Kenshin asked the moon goddess apologetically.

            "Aw, you're just so cute; no wonder Kaoru likes you so much!" Caroline giggled, not at all perturbed at being eliminated, "It was fair, Kenshin, don't be so pressed about it!"

            "My, Himura-san is truly a gentleman," Soujiro observed as Caroline exited the floor.

            "Of course!  Why do you he has so many fangirls?" Jovian Angel said with a laugh.

            "But Saitou-san and Shinomori-san aren't gentlemen and they…"

            "Hey, put a sock in it!" Setine snarled on behalf of both her preferred bishonen.

            Luckily, Narrator was against too much violence at her party and asked lit to restart the music before Soujiro could get thwacked for his astute powers of observation.

            "Hey, I'm takin' bets on this!" Kit called out over the music.

            "I got my money on Sano!" GB shouted.

            "Soujiro!" Shessha's Crazy and Cherry said in stereo.

            "Battousai!" Amanda piped eagerly.

            "Where?!" Enishi slurred, his head popping up from behind the cider keg.

            "I'll go with Ranma!" Kanashimi blurted.

            The music screeched to a halt and there was dead silence as everyone stared at her in shock.

            "Guys, I was being in character again, duh," Kanashimi said sarcastically.

            "Oh."

            The ensuring melee for the chairs resulted in Kenshin being eliminated and Inuyuki penalized with removal for attempting to bite Saitou for tripping Kenshin.

            "Dang, this is getting kinda vicious, Narrator," Saijin-Zero, the referee, said to the authoress nervously.

            "I still say the jerk deserved it," Kai-chan growled, narrowing her eyes at Saitou as the music played.

            "I have half a mind…" Kaoru started.

            "Maa maa, sessha did that on purpose de gozaru," Kenshin said, coming over to her and laying a soothing hand on her shoulder, "Saitou just happened to have his foot in an advantageous spot."

            "So, why would you do something like that?" Yahiko wanted to know.

            "Sessha did not want any of the young ladies to fight over the true winner when it came down to Saitou, Soujiro and sessha de gozaru," Kenshin answered simply.

            "Yeah, that's pretty much how I would have called it," Narrator concurred, "Good idea, Kenshin."

            A lemon meringue pie flew through the air.

            "Oro?"

            "Aoshi-sama's mine, now you take that back!" Misao yelled, her cheeks suffused with pink from her single mug of cider.  She was glaring somewhat blearily at Tesuka-chan and Aya Sinimori, who were looking at her strangely.

            "We were only cheering him on, Misao," Tesuka-chan began.

            "No you weren't, you're tryin' to take him away from me!" Misao interrupted.  

            "Whoo boy, Misao-chan's already drunk?" Ld asked as Misao picked up another pie (blueberry this time), "An intoxicated jealous itachi-musume is not going to be pretty…"

            As if to fulfill her dire warning, Misao hurled the pie.

            Owing to the fact that human equilibrial faculties are compromised by the consumption of alcohol, the demoness and Tesuka-chan did not even have to step out of the way.

            "Eeeee-augh, who threw that?!" Kamatari howled, wiping the remnants of pie off the back of his neck.

            Misao hiccupped guiltily.  Kamatari grabbed an éclair and threw it at her.

            "I wouldn't do that if I were you," Aoshi said in perfect monotone, having nabbed the pastry-missile two inches from Misao's face in a sort of spiffy-ninja-Matrix move.

            Kamatari's response was to launch the entire plate of Danishes at the couple.  And entropy being the bitch that it is…

            "FOOD FIGHT!!" Joey-kun and Kenji yelled.

            And chaos reigned.

(_Intermission: Bob the Laptop resets the party room while the guests attempt to scour the stains of various consumables from their costumes._

**_Narrator: _**_*wiping what looks like a mix of whipped cream, chocolate frosting, and blackberry crumble from her hair* Remind me never to order real cider for a party again._

**_Cherry: _**_*using seltzer and a sponge to get the salsa off of her skirt* Okay.  Dang, I don't think salsa's very good for chiffon!_

**_Kanashimi_**_: *miraculously food free* Actually, all you have to do is make sure that nobody with a low tolerance gets near the punch bowl or the keg.  Oh wait, that means you're not going to be able to drink anything._

**_Narrator: _**_*death glare* Oh, shut up.)_

~*~

            The teams for Pictionary would have ideally been boys vs. girls, but even with the addition of Hiko, Enishi, and Shishio, the guys were still outnumbered almost two-to-one.

            "I guess it's because most men don't have the attention span or creative capacity to write fanfiction," Cherry said.  JML and Saijin-Zero huffed, but before they could say anything in defense of their sex, C.M. Forde spoke up.

            "How about everyone _dressed_ like a guy is on the guy's team?" she suggested.

            "Hey, good idea," said Narrator, "That means Ld, Kurayami, Setine, Amanda, Joey-kun, and Jovian-Angel are on the guy's team; that pretty much evens it out."

            "Don't forget yourself, Miss Character-from-a-Goethe-Epic," Kanashimi interjected, "Mephistopheles is a guy, too."

            "But I…"

            "Besides, you're flat-chested enough to be mistaken for a boy anyway."

            "_What_ was that?!" Narrator growled, eyes flashing like neon pink flame.

            "Oh did I say that out loud?" Kanashimi asked in feigned innocence, "Whoopsie."

            Narrator snarled low in her throat, ken-ki gathering about her like deepening ominous wind.  The guests wisely took cover behind the nearest item of sturdy furniture.

            Thankfully, before the sisterly cat-fight could really get underway, it was interrupted by the arrival of another guest.

**_*ZORT!*_**

            "Am I too late?" a very handsome, yet somehow strangely transparent, man dressed in 18th century Hessian armor asked as the white-and-gold smoke cleared.

            "S-S-Sagara-taicho?!" Sano blurted, staring wide-eyed at his deceased mentor.

            "Hey, Sano," the ex-leader of the Sekihoutai said cheerfully, "Long time no see, neh?  I got a little lost," he told Narrator, "Made a wrong turn at Purgatory, and before I knew it…"  He shrugged apologetically.

            "That's okay…" Narrator managed before she was plowed over by a very enthusiastic Goddess of Death.

            "Souzu-sama!" Kit exclaimed, glomping the ghost (Metaphysics not being The Narrator's specialty, we'll just take it for granted that the planets were aligned right to allow her to do this).

            "Hello, Shinigami-sama," Sagara responded somewhat hesitantly.  "Is this that "glomping" thing that fangirls are supposed to do so often?" he asked no one in particular.  Kit giggled.

            "Hey, who are you supposed to be anyway?" JML wanted to know.

            "Oh, can't you tell?  I'm the Headless Horseman from _Sleepy Hollow_," Sagara answered.  He removed his head from his shoulders.  "See?"

            "Ack!" _*THUMP!*_

            "Now that wasn't very nice!" Kanashimi scolded as Megumi and GB attempted to revive an unconscious Sano.

            "Terribly sorry about that," Sagara's head apologized before he reattached it to his neck.

            "Ack!" *_THUMP!*_

            "Maybe we should just let him sleep this one out," Yahiko suggested, nudging the (yet again) uncounscious Sano with his toe.

~*~

            "Sword fight!"

            "Kenji, for the last time, not everything being drawn has to do with swords!" Joey-kun admonished as Narrator frantically scribbled something on the dry erase board.

            "Looks like 'leading a horse to water' de gozaru yo!" Kenshin guessed loudly.

            "Really?  I was going to say 'sick dog heaving,'" Ld said frankly.

            "Time's up!" Aya Sinimori called out as the last of the sand in the mini-hour-glass trickled into the bottom half.

            "What the heck were you drawing?" Saijin-Zero asked Narrator.

            "It was _supposed_ to be the 'Atlantic Ocean,' obviously," Narrator said peevishly.  She got a roomful of blank stares.  "Oh, come on!  Can't you see this is Atlas with the world on his shoulders?  And this right here!" she continued, vehemently stabbing at the scribbling with her finger, "This is so _evidently_ an ocean!"

            "Riiiiiiight, okay," said her team.

            "Geez, even Enishi's 'Leaning Tower of Pisa' was better than that," Yahiko muttered, "And he's drunk!"

            "Hey, don't be so mean to her," Neko said, "She's your teammate!"

            "Easy for you to say," Hiko shot back, "You're ahead by ten spaces!"

            "We can't help it if women are just better at this than you," Kaoru said saucily.

            "I still don't think Yumi's kanji should count," Shishio griped.

            "Oh, don't start that again, Shishio-sama," Yumi groaned, "You're being a sore loser, just like that time you impaled me and _still_ got spanked by Battousai!"

            "Damn, that was cold!" Saitou snickered as Shishio's mouth gaped open in shock.

            "Is it too late for me to switch sides?" Kamatari wanted to know.

            "Yes, it is!" Amanda said with a huff.

            "You're not a girl, anyway!" Misao said.

            "Details, details," Kamatari grumbled.

            "_Anyway_, it's our turn," said Kanashimi.

            "Ooo, I got this one!" Shessha's Crazy exclaimed, selected a card and skipping up to the board.

            Ten seconds later, Okon correctly guessed 'atheism' and the girls' piece advanced another five spaces.

            "Maybe they're all in that 'time of the month' and can therefore communicate telepathically," Soujiro suggested a little too loudly, "So shouldn't they be given a handicap?"

            The room became deadly quiet and all the males scooted as far away from him as they could.  "What?  What did I say?" Soujiro asked frantically.  He noticed all of the women in the room regarding with baleful eyes that heretofore had only belonged to the Furies.  "Eeep!"

            "So, I guess sex education wasn't a priority of yours, Shishio," Saitou remarked as Soujiro ran about the party room for dear life, a cohort of pissed-off females hot on his cape.

            "Well, I was kind of preoccupied with instilling him with Social Darwinist values and warping his innocent mind to fit my evil plans of domination, you know," Shishio responded, "An arch-villain has priorities, especially in regards to his minions."

            "Isn't a minion something you use in soup?" Enishi slurred, "Why would you want to turn someone into a vegetable?"

            "Okay, no more cider for you de gozaru," Kenshin said, forcefully taking the mug from the inebriated psycho.

            "Women are scary," JML observed as Neko thrust a textbook entitled _"Things Every Man Should Know About Women Before Opening His Mouth"_ into Soujiro's trembling hands.  The Tenken was then sent to a corner to educate himself.

~*~

            The awarding of the prize for best costume went to Sagara Souzu (which was no surprise).  Second place went jointly to Saijin-Zero and Kai-chan for their complicated and incredibly original creations, while third was given to Shessha's Crazy for the sole fact that Narrator and Kanashimi were intensely amused by flying monkeys.  The winners of the karaoke contest were Aoshi and Misao, whose stirring rendition of Aqua's _Barbie Girl_ had everyone rolling in the aisles with laughter.  Shishio was given the choice of either being in the dunk tank or being the piñata; he opted for the dunk tank, and was finally plunged into the icy water by Yumi's deadly accurate throw.  The Narrator decided to cut short the game of Truth-or-Dare when Kanashimi dared her pookie to go streaking, and Saitou, having been liberally dosed with spiked punch (courtesy of Tesuka-chan), readily began to comply.

            The bells struck the midnight hour and the guests reluctantly took their leave of Narrator, who thanked them, one and all, for their support of her fanfic.

            "I don't suppose you'll be writing another one any time soon?" Cherry asked, her voice echoing in the dimly-lit deserted party hall.

            "Nah.  I think I kinda tapped out on all the insanity I could get from Rurouni Kenshin," Narrator said sadly, "Guess I just have to focus on angst and drama from now on; you know, serious stuff."

            Cherry made a face.

            "Well, before you even think about starting anything new," Kanashimi said sternly, "you've got to clean this mess up."  She fanned her face with a pair of white gloves as she surveyed the destruction, "Yare, yare, this going to take forever!"

            "Hey, where the heck did you get those?" Narrator asked, pointing at the gloves.

            "Oh, these?" Kanashimi asked innocently, "Did you really think I would make Pookie strip and not get _some_ sort of souvenir out of it?"  She rolled her eyes at her onee-sama's lack of common sense.

            "Shoot, I shoulda thought about that when Sano was unconscious!" Cherry exclaimed, snapping her fingers.

            "Man, I don't even want to think about what Saitou's going to be like when he wakes up with a hang over and finds his gloves gone," Narrator said, shaking her head.

            "It should be pretty funny, actually; Setine stole his belt and lit took his pack of cigarettes."

            "Whoo boy…"

_Hey, guys, Narrator here.  I just wanted to say thank you once again for all your support.  I know some of you asked to attend the party, and I'm sorry that I could not include all of you.  Midterms and papers are a sad fact of life, and boy, do they really get in the way of creative processes.  I don't know when I'll continue any of my other fics, but I promise to try and keep entertaining you. _

_If you want an idea of some of the RK character costumes, go to __   The webmistress, Haku Baikou, has generously posted my fanart on her site.  Also, take the time to see the rest of _www.hakubaikou.com_; it is definitely one of the best RK sites in existence, and Haku Baikou-san puts her heart into it!_

_Have a happy Halloween, and remember, the Great Pumpkin is always watching!_

**Kanashimi:** *sigh* I told her not to drink any cider!

**Cherry: **But *hic!* what if it's tr- *hic!* true?!  What if he is *hic!* watching?!

**Kanashimi:** (-_-) I'm surrounded by idiots.

**Narrator: **Oh, and that thing about "It's a Gundam!" is something I just happened to observe while watching Gundam Wing; every time one of those poor Oz soldiers uttered that phrase, they were toast ten seconds later.  *scratches her head* I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I think the phenomenon needs further exploration.

**Kanashimi: **It's just you, trust me.

**Narrator: **-_-

**Cherry:** Hey, do I *hic!* have to *hic! hic!* drink all this cider by myself, or are you two *hic!* goin' to help me?!

_SALUTE!!_


End file.
